October 15th (and lantern release)

Oh Lord that ache.
Those days when I wondered how I would live to see another day, let alone another year.
And here I am.
October 15th.
Nine years later.
On a day set aside for people like me, to remember.
September 15th is mine.
October 15th is ours.

I have never experienced anything quite like this community that I have come to belong to.  I  never knew that I could forge lifelong friendships in the matter of moments.  Baring your soul, your brokenness~ will do that to you.  Some live states and even oceans away.  The broken have come to create something unbreakable.
Friendship.

Today I looked on facebook to see picture after picture of candles. Lit candles all remembering someone's precious hope.  I watched as my candle burned for the babies I loved and lost and as the flame danced I thought of the others... so many others that I knew from just the words on their mothers' and fathers' blogs, those I met within the walls of the hospital and those I met over emails.  I thought of them all, and I thought about how truly thankful I am for each of them~ Each of them have shared their stories with me and in doing so, changed me.

Losing someone by definition leaves you alone~ and yet alone is the furthest thing from what I feel right now. I feel blessed and honored and loved.  Loved because I was Andrew's mother.  I was E's mother.  Loved because I was your friend/ am your friend.  Blessed to be a blessing.

Last night my beautiful and talented friend Jessica (who keeps a popular and beautifully written blog HERE) and I met with others for our first annual lantern release.  It had been a rainy day and I prayed and prayed for the clouds to part.  When I arrived at our location my prayers had been answered.  The skies were blue and I felt such peace.  It would be perfect.

As people arrived, so did the dark clouds and soon the heaven's opened and the water fell.  I was so disappointed and yet it seemed somehow to fit us... Standing in the rain.  Standing together.

The wind picked up as the rain died down and we made our way to a dock overlooking a beautiful lake. We opened up our lanterns and learned that just like our own thoughts, the winds would try to keep us down~ but we've done this before.  We've weathered harder storms and soon, one by one with the help of others who have walked this road, our lanterns went to the heavens... drifting silently to those we still love.  Those we never forget.

Andrew's love was a turning page for me.  I often think of my life in two sections... before Andrew and after Andrew.  Not so much because of him... but because of me.  His life changed who I am and the way I look at life.  Every day I can pause and reflect and remember what I'm doing here. Who I want to be~ and Andrew and E's lives have given me continued strength to be that person.

I put some pictures together from our lantern release in a video you can view below or click HERE to see.  My talented friend Nan (whose amazing work you can see HERE), came to shoot our first annual release.  I am already looking forward to next year as we grow in our friendships and our community.

The song I chose for the pictures had some lines that are resonating with me tonight and I'd like to leave you with those lines and wish you well this night and all the nights to come~ stormy and clear.  You're not alone... you just need look to the heaven's to know that.

Blessings~
L

I surrender who I've been for who you are,for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.if I had only felt how it feels to be yours,well,I would have known what I've been living for all along.what I've been living for.
though we're tethered to the story we must tell,when i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.