Saturday, September 15, 2012

9.


Nine.
9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9.
How is that possible?

I thought the days leading up would be the worst. That perhaps nine would be a year where the anticipation was worse than the sting of the day.  I was wrong.

The screams of Christmas woke me from my slumber on September 15th and I realized that Jonasen had discovered the 50 balloons I blew up for him the night before.  On a night where I could say, "Nine years ago tonight I didn't know..." He ran upstairs to my bed and threw his nine year old arms around me and said, "Thank you mom!" I held him tight(er) though he probably didn't notice~ He was off in moments to rejoin the laughter of his younger siblings and I was alone with my thoughts.

Jeff joined me soon.  He was tired.  He had woke early to get donuts for our 9 year old Joe, and to sit and remember Andrew.  Something that he needed to do alone.  Something that I too needed to do alone but this year being a Saturday, it was a luxury I didn't have. Jeff reminded me I should get going to the garden... We had soccer games later.

I felt the water with my hand and stepped in.  My eyes closed and I felt I was in our old shower.  The one in the house he should have come home to.  The shower I sunk to my knees in praying I could wash the bad dream of losing him from my being.  My hands went to my face and my body shook. This wasn't happening.  Why was this happening? I had done this before.  Nine times.  9.

But then I realized, I had never grieved a nine year old before.

Nine.

An age I remember. An age of opinions and thoughts. An age of wonderings of the world. The year before a decade.

I sunk and cried and like those days of long ago can't recall how I got up, toweled off and readied myself to face the living.

No make-up today.  The sun was shining and I was thankful I would be wearing my sunglasses to hide my tired, sad eyes.  For how could I be sad? Nine years ago today I became a mother and he became a father.

I met him in the hallway and he took me in his arms.  Again I sank and he lifted me.  We stayed there for a while until he whispered, "Go. Don't let them see you like this."

I scooped my keys, the candles, the marker, his journal and the fire and I was off to buy his balloons.
Nine.

I got to the garden and walked the path I had walked so many times. On this day.  September 15th. With balloons in hand, I walked to her brick, I wrote her I loved her and thanked her for coming to my dreams.  I kissed her balloon and sent it to the sky.

And then I went there.
To his brick.
With his balloons.
And I sat.
And I sunk.
And I sobbed.
Nine.

I wrote him I loved him. I told him it all. I kissed each of his nine balloons for the nine years he's been away and I watched until they were gone. Faded into the blue.  Faded from sight~ and soon from memory.

I closed my eyes and I didn't see him at 9.  I imagined our reunion.  Him a young man, stepping out to see me when I got home.  Taking me into his arms and saying, "Welcome home, mom.  I got all of your kisses, all of your tears, all of those many, many balloons. Welcome home.  Welcome home."

The game was starting and I knew I had to go. Unlike years past I had to stay strong. I was meant to be here. Meant to stay.  The reunion will have to wait. But one day it will happen.

And I am 9 years closer.

9.

10 comments:

  1. I am more amazed every time I check out your latest blog...your talent of relaying what is in your heart and soul is breathtaking....once again, feel so blessed to have you in my life....<3 hugs, my friend.
    donna

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    1. Thank you Donna, and thank you for leaving words today. I needed words. <3 (((hugs)))

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  2. What a hard place to be. Every time I read a Pause blog I feel your raw emotion and I feel myself there, as well.

    It's true -- I remember being 9, too. What would he have thought? What would his opinions be?

    9 years closer to your reunion. 9 years closer to finding out.

    :( but also :)

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    1. Thank you Ashley! It was such a rough day. Thank you for knowing that the :-( and :-) exactly sum up my September 15th. <3

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  3. Never forgotten. Very well said. So moving. So touching. So...Laura. You have such a dramatic impact on all those around you. We are all so lucky to have you here. I couldn't love you more.

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  4. I cried all the way through the video. Such beautiful moments captured. Love the ones of your face, somber & sad, yet strong & determined. That's my girl. Love this post, love your video, love you. Always remembering Andrew with you.

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  5. Thinking of you and Andrew. This post is so beautiful. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

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  6. Laura...this was a beautiful post. You are always in my thoughts...xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

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  7. This was so beautiful. I just came across your blog and I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. We also lost one of our twins, born at 25 weeks. I plan on reading through your blog more as some of my greatest questions come when I think about raising a twinless twin. our little guy is only a year old, but it's always on my mind.

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