Pages

Saturday, September 15, 2012

9.


Nine.
9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9.
How is that possible?

I thought the days leading up would be the worst. That perhaps nine would be a year where the anticipation was worse than the sting of the day.  I was wrong.

The screams of Christmas woke me from my slumber on September 15th and I realized that Jonasen had discovered the 50 balloons I blew up for him the night before.  On a night where I could say, "Nine years ago tonight I didn't know..." He ran upstairs to my bed and threw his nine year old arms around me and said, "Thank you mom!" I held him tight(er) though he probably didn't notice~ He was off in moments to rejoin the laughter of his younger siblings and I was alone with my thoughts.

Jeff joined me soon.  He was tired.  He had woke early to get donuts for our 9 year old Joe, and to sit and remember Andrew.  Something that he needed to do alone.  Something that I too needed to do alone but this year being a Saturday, it was a luxury I didn't have. Jeff reminded me I should get going to the garden... We had soccer games later.

I felt the water with my hand and stepped in.  My eyes closed and I felt I was in our old shower.  The one in the house he should have come home to.  The shower I sunk to my knees in praying I could wash the bad dream of losing him from my being.  My hands went to my face and my body shook. This wasn't happening.  Why was this happening? I had done this before.  Nine times.  9.

But then I realized, I had never grieved a nine year old before.

Nine.

An age I remember. An age of opinions and thoughts. An age of wonderings of the world. The year before a decade.

I sunk and cried and like those days of long ago can't recall how I got up, toweled off and readied myself to face the living.

No make-up today.  The sun was shining and I was thankful I would be wearing my sunglasses to hide my tired, sad eyes.  For how could I be sad? Nine years ago today I became a mother and he became a father.

I met him in the hallway and he took me in his arms.  Again I sank and he lifted me.  We stayed there for a while until he whispered, "Go. Don't let them see you like this."

I scooped my keys, the candles, the marker, his journal and the fire and I was off to buy his balloons.
Nine.

I got to the garden and walked the path I had walked so many times. On this day.  September 15th. With balloons in hand, I walked to her brick, I wrote her I loved her and thanked her for coming to my dreams.  I kissed her balloon and sent it to the sky.

And then I went there.
To his brick.
With his balloons.
And I sat.
And I sunk.
And I sobbed.
Nine.

I wrote him I loved him. I told him it all. I kissed each of his nine balloons for the nine years he's been away and I watched until they were gone. Faded into the blue.  Faded from sight~ and soon from memory.

I closed my eyes and I didn't see him at 9.  I imagined our reunion.  Him a young man, stepping out to see me when I got home.  Taking me into his arms and saying, "Welcome home, mom.  I got all of your kisses, all of your tears, all of those many, many balloons. Welcome home.  Welcome home."

The game was starting and I knew I had to go. Unlike years past I had to stay strong. I was meant to be here. Meant to stay.  The reunion will have to wait. But one day it will happen.

And I am 9 years closer.

9.

10 comments:

  1. I am more amazed every time I check out your latest blog...your talent of relaying what is in your heart and soul is breathtaking....once again, feel so blessed to have you in my life....<3 hugs, my friend.
    donna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Donna, and thank you for leaving words today. I needed words. <3 (((hugs)))

      Delete
  2. What a hard place to be. Every time I read a Pause blog I feel your raw emotion and I feel myself there, as well.

    It's true -- I remember being 9, too. What would he have thought? What would his opinions be?

    9 years closer to your reunion. 9 years closer to finding out.

    :( but also :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ashley! It was such a rough day. Thank you for knowing that the :-( and :-) exactly sum up my September 15th. <3

      Delete
  3. Never forgotten. Very well said. So moving. So touching. So...Laura. You have such a dramatic impact on all those around you. We are all so lucky to have you here. I couldn't love you more.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I cried all the way through the video. Such beautiful moments captured. Love the ones of your face, somber & sad, yet strong & determined. That's my girl. Love this post, love your video, love you. Always remembering Andrew with you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thinking of you and Andrew. This post is so beautiful. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Laura...this was a beautiful post. You are always in my thoughts...xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. This was so beautiful. I just came across your blog and I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. We also lost one of our twins, born at 25 weeks. I plan on reading through your blog more as some of my greatest questions come when I think about raising a twinless twin. our little guy is only a year old, but it's always on my mind.

    ReplyDelete

Your thoughts?