Remembering E

It was four years ago tonight that I lost my little E.
My little spark.
Four years ago today I didn't know it yet.  I didn't know she was gone.  I still had hope.

It was four years ago tomorrow that my hope died. I couldn't believe it had happened again. Again. I sat with the same doctor. Saw the same absence on the ultrasound. Stared into the same tear stained eyes of my husband. Hope was gone. I was gone. I was empty.

Four years later I still remember her.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  Her days.  Seeing the test for the first time.  Feeling great. Certain it would be a girl. Dreaming. Seeing that heartbeat again and again.  But still, I remember the spotting, the bleeding, the cramping, the praying, the pleading to stay. stay. stay.

It was "just a miscarriage".  That's what they said then~ and four years ago yesterday I may have agreed with them.  But then it happened to me.  It happened to her and it was not 'just' anything. It was a soul that lived in me.  A soul that left. A soul that I had no idea at the time would touch me like she did.  Like she does.

You can't control feelings but you can choose the way you want to live.  I chose to remember her.  Her life albeit so small and so short (even compared to the brother she joined) was real.  She waits for me.

Today she filled me up.  Today I thought of her as I watched another sweet girl be born into the family of God through the waters of baptism.  I thought of amazing, saving grace.  I thought of her.

I thought of her.
And I smiled.

Remembering E today, on her fourth year with her brother.  One year closer to meeting me~
Though I think she may know me already.