Friday, August 31, 2012

On the Eve of September


I've been waiting for September.  When I changed my calendar to August, I suddenly became keenly aware of time.  Much like I felt nine years ago.  No babies in August? That must mean they'll have a September birthday.

Is it because its been nearly a decade? Is it because yet again I have twins (now boys) in my classroom?
I don't know.

But for whatever reason I have been anticipating September and dreading its arrival.

And for that I feel torn.  I should welcome the month I became a mother.  I should be celebrating my sweet Jonasen and all that he is, but I always feel the heaviness of September and perhaps it is something he can now see.

Today we found Joe by himself, sitting in the corner.  This is not like him and for us we felt it was some sort of attention seeking thing.  When we tried to pry out of him what it was he was sulking about he said, "I just don't feel special."

It was almost laughable.
My husband and I looked at each other wondering what in the world he could possibly be talking about. Whether serious or not we started listing all the things that make him special but because we were in 'teasing' mode we said, "Well it's not because... and would say a reason he was special." We followed this up with tickles and hugs and kisses.  We got him back.

He got his smile back.
That felt good.

Joe ran errands with me and I felt that all was well.
That is until he got in trouble (not picking something up) and suddenly he brought me a note asking me who he was special to... why he was special...
sigh.
Is this normal?
Did I do something wrong?

I told him I think it's ridiculous that he EVER doubt that he is special~
But... because it's nice to get a nice note, I decided to write him.

Dear Joey,

My heart hurts that you would ever for a moment doubt that you are special.  Perhaps I am not a good mom to you and I am not doing my job. The fact that you would ever doubt how special you are or not feel my love, tells me that I am doing something wrong.
I don’t think that I could ever fit into one letter all the ways that you are special but I will write some down because for some reason that is what you feel you need.
  1. You are special because you were born and because you lived. That in itself is a miracle and makes you crazy special!
  2. You are special because you were named after the Jonasens who were amazing people and changed my life.
  3. You are special because you made me a better person.
  4. You are special because you have an amazing love of books and you remember things that you read (I do not).
  5. You are special because I don’t know many kids that can eat an entire can of ravioli and still have more if their mom would let them.
  6. You are special because you make other people feel special and cheer them on.
  7. You are special because you have a laugh that can make other people laugh with you.
  8. You are special because you have rhythm (and trust me, not everyone has that... You will score points with the ladies one day).
  9. You are special because you are the only boy in this family with brown eyes (and I’m the only girl).
  10. You are special because people around the world know your name and your story and think you are amazing even though they’ve never talked to you.
  11. You are special because you don’t see skin color.
  12. You are special because you can recognize when someone is making a bad choice and try to make it better.
  13. You are special because you love to draw and read books (which most kids don’t like so much... sadly).
  14. You are special because you would rather have water (some days) than pop.
  15. You are special because you can drop your fishing line in the water and fish seem to jump out of the water to get to you.
  16. You are special because your brothers and sister adore you and always want to be around you... probably the reason for the nightly sleepovers all summer long.
  17. You are special because you talk to God, and He hears you.
  18. You are special because you have a creative mind and soul.  You are always making things and creating things and not everyone can do that.
  19. You are special because you saved me.  It was YOU that got me out of bed those mornings when I didn’t think I could. You taught me love can exist where pain is and that there is nothing in this world that is better than being your mom.  You were the rainbow I saw through the storm and you will NEVER know how much I love you.
  20. You are special because your dad and the rest of your family and friends could write a list just as long (and longer) about the reasons you are special and they could all be totally different and entirely true!

I am running out of room on this paper but please don’t ever tell me you’re not special again.  If you want to hear the reasons I love you, ask. But NEVER tell me you’re not special again. It hurts me. God doesn't make mistakes.  He made you for a reason and those reasons are many.

~All my love,
Mom


And then I started to pause (as I often do) and wondered all the ways he would have been special... That boy that was born first, a minute before Joe.  I wondered what I would have written him.  I wonder what would have been on his list.  I wonder what his smile would have looked like as his dad and I teased and tickled HIM
And I was reminded, I'll never have that list.  Just a dream. Sometimes if I close my eyes, I can still see two.


***I should now add that Joe gave me a big hug, and promised me that if he ever wants to hear the reasons I love him, he will ask... but he will NEVER tell me he's not special again (we'll see...).

5 comments:

  1. Wonder what is really going on in Joe's head?? Seems like there's more. Strange that this is when I lost my first baby, remember waiting through labor day weekend to have a d&c, rather ironic huh?!? And it's hitting me strangely hard this year too. Wonder why???

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    1. I wonder too!!! Ali went through a very strange few days crying because she thought I was going to die (when I was at school or running to the store...). Perhaps there is some weird thing in the air. I know that some years have hit me harder than others. I am hoping that this year I am getting it out early. The 15th falls on a Saturday and I know there will be soccer games and such. I need to have my time at the garden by myself with Andrew. I am actually bummed that they will all be around. Thinking of you and your heavy heart too! <3
      Hugs~
      L

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  2. Laura, that letter is absolutely beautiful. Your Jonasen is very special and so are you.

    I worry, as the year pass by, that Jessica will feel that she is not special enough, that she is only half of 'the twins' that we wanted. But really, I feel exactly as you do, although I could not have expressed it half as eloquently.

    Thinking of you as September beings, I'm sorry that you do not have the simpler sort of happiness that you would have done had Andrew lived. I feel similarly, I wish I could feel only joy and celebration but it will also always be the month that Georgina died in too.

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    1. *begins not beings. My fingers are too big for the little keyboard on my tablet.

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  3. This post is so special. Joe is a very special boy, even I knew that and now I am sure he knows this too. I understood your awareness of him remembering what he reads, that is definitely special because I, like you, don't remember what I read. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always but especially during September. ((HUGS))

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