Saturday, August 25, 2012

Pieces

Sometimes it's like you're hiding behind your glasses.  You go through the motions of  your day, you smile at the correct times but inside you're a mess and the days go by and the calendar moves and you are stuck.  I used to feel like I was in slow motion watching as everyone whizzed around me, not even noticing I was there. I could blend. Disappear.

I'm a good chameleon.
I always have been.

I can put a smile on my face and you would never know the hurt underneath.  You'd never know that I still wince inside when I see twins or even hear the word, catch my breath when someone calls out, "Andrew!" or stop and stare when I see blond pigtails in the distance that could have been her's.

It' doesn't really matter that it's been almost nine years. I still pause~ it's always right there, right below the surface and it's hard. Talking with a friend whose scars are a little more fresh and have not had the time to scab over, I gave her permission. Permission to still be sad.  Still be hurt. Still be mad. Sometimes you need to take off the glasses and just cry.

Those things don't go away.  They can soften but that scab can be ripped off in a moment and you find there on your knees wondering... why???????

There is a song I love called Pills. It reminds me of so many days when I wasn't Okay. I wasn't okay but no one really knew. I would look around at all the people and wonder what's there? What's right there underneath the skin that is keeping them up at night? I used to feel so alone and then I realized that we're all here, walking around with a brokenness about us, just trying to pick up the pieces and put them back into their jagged places. But sometimes once they've broken they just won't fit the way they used to~

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

6 comments:

  1. Reading this really hit a chord with me tonight. I'm sad sad sad for one of Sean's classmates who lost his daughter this week. It has been on my mind constantly and I just know that this journey is unending and so hard sometimes, crippling in fact. We do learn to wear masks, but we're never the same and we're not ok! Thank you for always putting truth into beautiful words! You're a gift in this community!

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    1. Love you friend! Thank you for your words here!!! I am so sorry for the loss you wrote about! I totally understand how these things stick with you and you can't shake them. You want to say you'll be okay, but sadly you know it's a lie... in a sense. Never quite the same is it! Sending hugs to you! <3
      L

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  2. Beautiful song. The truth that people don't see. ((HUGS))

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  3. Laura, I don't think that I can ever fully express how grateful I am for you, for your writing and for your kindness in sharing your experience with your boys.

    It's four years for me since Georgina died, just this evening. And I feel as I though I have to pretend and hide. Unlike you, I am a hopeless chameleon :(

    But you're right, I always wonder what is there? What is it that I'm not seeing? Because none of us escape this life without some bruises, some hurts.

    Remembering Andrew and E. They have such a lovely mom x

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment and your words. I feel out of the loop lately (for whatever reason) in the bloggy world and I keep looking at that calendar and for some reason I can't help but think that in a few days it will be September and it makes me sick... another year without him... and then try to remember too that it is a time to be so thankful and celebrate Joey... Still it SUCKS! I know that YOU know!
      But thanks for leaving a comment, being a friend and reminding me that I too am not alone!!! I really needed to hear one tonight! (((hugs)))
      L

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