Pieces

Sometimes it's like you're hiding behind your glasses.  You go through the motions of  your day, you smile at the correct times but inside you're a mess and the days go by and the calendar moves and you are stuck.  I used to feel like I was in slow motion watching as everyone whizzed around me, not even noticing I was there. I could blend. Disappear.

I'm a good chameleon.
I always have been.

I can put a smile on my face and you would never know the hurt underneath.  You'd never know that I still wince inside when I see twins or even hear the word, catch my breath when someone calls out, "Andrew!" or stop and stare when I see blond pigtails in the distance that could have been her's.

It' doesn't really matter that it's been almost nine years. I still pause~ it's always right there, right below the surface and it's hard. Talking with a friend whose scars are a little more fresh and have not had the time to scab over, I gave her permission. Permission to still be sad.  Still be hurt. Still be mad. Sometimes you need to take off the glasses and just cry.

Those things don't go away.  They can soften but that scab can be ripped off in a moment and you find there on your knees wondering... why???????

There is a song I love called Pills. It reminds me of so many days when I wasn't Okay. I wasn't okay but no one really knew. I would look around at all the people and wonder what's there? What's right there underneath the skin that is keeping them up at night? I used to feel so alone and then I realized that we're all here, walking around with a brokenness about us, just trying to pick up the pieces and put them back into their jagged places. But sometimes once they've broken they just won't fit the way they used to~

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.