Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Spark


Who would have thought I'd remember that spark?
Do others?
"Everyone" has them...
Or so they say.

"You'll forget," they said.
But how could I?

She was the only one who visited me in my dreams.  Was she 3? 4?  I remember seeing those blond pigtails as she bounced away~ wishing somehow I could will her to come closer. Turn around again.  Just a few more moments. I can close my eyes and see her outline.

We didn't have any moments.  
It wasn't like Andrew where I held him and waited and chose when I needed to say goodbye.
That "forever" goodbye.

I remember 5 years ago like it was yesterday.
I knew it was going to be a girl.  
Absolutely certain.  Just like I was with her sister.
She had come so easily.

But she didn't stay.
Five years ago I was at school.
Teaching third graders who hardly knew what was happening to their teacher.
How did I make it that day?
A blur.
A fuzzy, hazy blur.

I didn't even make it home.
Stopped at my parents' house because it was closer.
I remember the pain.
The physical, horrible, indescribable pain.
The blood.
Just writing that word steals my breath.
Blood.
There was just so much.

Looking back, I think I knew she was gone 
but still I held on.
Isn't that what we do sometimes?
When our life becomes a nightmare... 
We just close our eyes and tell ourselves to wake up.
Just a dream.
It will be OK.
But it wasn't.

And Jeff.
The look on his face.
Watching him collapse.
He wanted her too.
We both wanted her.

But she was just a spark and 13 months later we had him.
That funny little (almost 4 year old) boy sleeping dreamily in his bed.

Is that what happens?
We remember those sparks but when someone new is there, they go out?

No.
I can't.

Five years baby girl. 
Come see me again.
I haven't forgotten.
I never will.

~E~

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