Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Her?

Her.
She prayed for her tonight.
First she asked God if she could one day see her brother Andrew's eyes.
Then she said, "And God, I'd really like to see her eyes too. You know, my sister, Baby E."
(gulp)

Flashback-
September 2009. I was waiting to have the surgery. The one that would take whatever may have been left from our baby, of our baby. Our baby. I wept and I wished I could say more than just 'our baby.' I wish I could speak a name.
"Close your eyes Laura- you know it- you know it in your heart- feel it- you know if that baby was a boy or a girl."

So I tried. I closed my eyes- and I prayed but feelings weren't enough for me. What if I was wrong?

On Valentine's Day, we spoke of them. My husband and I went to dinner alone. It was so nice. And we talked mostly of our children. Our children- Andrew and Baby E. And he told me he had a dream, that when he went to heaven he met God, and he walked with Him and He introduced him to our son. Our son Andrew. And then He turned and spoke the most beautiful name. It was so beautiful- more beautiful than anything he had heard. God spoke the name of our baby. Our baby who lived there, with Andrew.

Flashback-
September 2009. My husband. Hurting so. It had happened again. Another one gone. "And we can't even give our baby a name. That may be what hurts most of all. I need a name, Laura."

So I tried. I closed my eyes- and I prayed but feelings weren't enough for me. What if I was wrong?

Her?
She prayed for her tonight. My five year old prayed for her sister. Her sister Baby E. She is convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that she has a sister. While her brother speaks of Andrew, she speaks of her sister. Her. That one day she'll be able to see her eyes. When we're all in heaven together.
Her eyes.
Her's.

So I try. I close my eyes- and I pray, but feelings aren't enough for me. What if I am wrong?

So tonight I will wonder, and dream of you still. Dream of you, our little spark, and wonder if your sister is right. But I won't know. Not really. Until that day when we're all together. When I can look into your eyes.

And learn your name.

10 comments:

  1. As usual Laura, tears in my eyes. Just beautiful. I wonder what my baby I just lost in January was. It is hard sometimes to even think because it was so early, and yet I still hurt. Thanks for sharing Baby E with us.

    (Hugs)

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  2. Wow, Laura. The faith of a child is remarkable, almost scary. I wish you knew for sure down here, but like you said one day. What a beautiful dream your husband had. I hope you can dream about your precious baby E. xx

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  3. Children do have a special connection with God. It will come to you when you are ready.
    ((HUGS))

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  4. Thinking of you and all 6 of your babies. xx

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  5. ahhh.....so wonderfully put. Love you tons!

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  6. *Tears* I cannot fathom this feeling you have, but i think I would be the same way...in your heart you felt 'her', and its right. Hugs Laura, Nan xo

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  7. I so understand. I've been trying to figure out in my case too. I feel one moment like it was a girl, the next it was a boy. Not wanting to say it aloud because what if I was wrong. I get it.

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  8. This really spoke to me because there was a time when I was so unsure of the gender of our other baby. I asked God to reveal it to me and I felt boy but I have always thought what if I'm wrong!? So I gave our baby a gender neutral name just in case.

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  9. This really spoke to me because there was a time when I was so unsure of the gender of our other baby. I asked God to reveal it to me and I felt boy but I have always thought what if I'm wrong!? So I gave our baby a gender neutral name just in case.

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