Monday, February 8, 2010

Husbands (3 stories)

All grieve so differently.
All of us.
And so do our husbands.

~
I remember meeting him at a meeting-
Perhaps there more for his wife than for himself-
Talk?
It appeared to me he didn't know exactly what to say- but he started speaking-
And he held her- so tiny and small in his hands- born far too early- he held her and as his wife lay recovering from a delivery much too fast- much too early- he spent those moments holding his firstborn- a daughter- and looking at her he saw her- her life- flash before his eyes- he saw her as a toddler, awkward steps as she'd learn how to walk- first days of school, awaiting a bus- prom and how nervous she would be awaiting her date- the wedding, walking her down, giving her away- he saw it all- it all flashed before him like a dream- a marvelous, wonderful dream- and then it was gone.
So plainly he said it-
Without much emotion-
But he saw it as he spoke- and we all saw it too-
Tears streamed down the faces of those there that night- mostly by the one who held his hand- the one who carried his daughter- the one who longed to know how he was feeling-
~
~
She felt such a disconnect. He wouldn't talk about her- not really- and every time she brought her up, he would shut down, and the wall began to grow. The bricks stacked up between them grew until she wondered if they'd ever be able to break them down. She began to tuck some money away. What had happened to them? She was so unsure- until the day he came to her- said he wanted to be baptised- why?- because he wanted to see that little girl again- had to- and he wasn't going to take any chances- he wanted to do anything and everything he possibly could to see her- to see her again- And in that moment, the wall that was between them vanished. Perhaps tears? As they held each other in their arms grieving their daughter that was born sleeping- Had he been thinking of her all along- he must have been- but she hadn't known- not until that moment-
~

~
He didn't speak for days- he couldn't- and while he would entertain her questions- his answers were short- he didn't want to speak of him, he couldn't- the pain was too fresh- but the days went on- and the world began to spin and they began to laugh again- live again- they had movie nights- and game nights- and pizza nights- Every Friday they had pizza- and he would get it- even when she offered- no- he would get it- years later she learned he ordered it from the pizza chain that was located in the hospital- so he could visit his garden- see his son's name- talk to him- alone- under their stars- talk to him-
he told me this-
years later.
~

They are all so different- but this I know- they hurt- they ache- they grieve- They grieve for their wives- they grieve for their children- parenting a living child is so very hard- remembering one- honoring one that left too soon is even harder.

Don't forget about them.
I promise you, they haven't forgotten about their children.

16 comments:

  1. Wow. Such beautiful stories. I wish I could find the words to express the love I have for my husband. I love him watching the way he loves his daughters. I want so badly to see him be a father to a living baby.

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  2. Thank you for this post. I think most Dad's do behave quite differently. I think our feelings are fairly similar though. Part of this is our nature - we are different. Part of it is how we are conditioned to behave. I remember in church after Abigail died being asked time and again how my wife was. What about me? Again on line all the talk of BLM's doesn't always make me feel welcome.

    It is different and I think it is key that couples accept the differences and respect them. And also try to find ways of crossing the divide. Thanks again

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  3. Wow, Laura... Thanks for putting it down in words. I love that story about G. and I. every time I hear someone who was there tell it. Reading it brought tears to my eyes once again almost 5 years later.

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  4. ahhhh.......
    heart wrenching
    that first story -broke my heart.
    I wish guys could support each other better through this kind of thing too.

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  5. What a great post! I have a hard time understanding my husbands way of grieving too so reading this really helps. *HUGS*

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  6. heartwrenching stories...your husband's about killed me. I have had to have this talk with myself about my husband. Because yes, they certainly do grieve. They are in as much pain as we are. This is totally true.

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  7. *Tears* I wish men could express their sorrow better, but they sometimes put that effort into making us feel ok. I can't even tell if hubby has grieved, but I keep trying to get more men on the forum site to talk...I need to generate more traffic - its as slow as molasses! Hugs, Nan xo

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  8. ahhh Laura.
    Thanks for posting. This means so much to me.
    Not everyone remembers the husbands.
    Love to you!

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  9. Wow, reading those had me in tears and makes me want to hug my hubby except he's not here. Out of town. :(

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  10. Thank you - and you are so right. They do grieve, in mysterious ways, silently, angrily, without tears...however they need to. And they get left out, so often, hiding their broken hearts.

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  11. you are such a wonderful, loving, caring person....you teach us all such valuable lessons...thank you <3

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  12. What a great post! I have a hard time understanding my husbands way of grieving too so reading this really helps. *HUGS*

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  13. Thank you for this post. I think most Dad's do behave quite differently. I think our feelings are fairly similar though. Part of this is our nature - we are different. Part of it is how we are conditioned to behave. I remember in church after Abigail died being asked time and again how my wife was. What about me? Again on line all the talk of BLM's doesn't always make me feel welcome.

    It is different and I think it is key that couples accept the differences and respect them. And also try to find ways of crossing the divide. Thanks again

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  14. Wow, Laura... Thanks for putting it down in words. I love that story about G. and I. every time I hear someone who was there tell it. Reading it brought tears to my eyes once again almost 5 years later.

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  15. Wow. Such beautiful stories. I wish I could find the words to express the love I have for my husband. I love him watching the way he loves his daughters. I want so badly to see him be a father to a living baby.

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  16. Beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing this. I have shared before how much my heart breaks for husbands because they carry not only their own grief, but they ache for their wives. They don't know how to comfort her, how to make it better. They couldn't protect her from this...couldn't protect their child. It is agony...and an agony that they often don't know how to express...so it oozes out in ways we don't understand as wives. Our husbands need our love and understanding. Thanks for sharing their perspective here. I think this would be a good topic to cover on our bereavement support site: Walking With You. Blessings to you...

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