My Book- Not the end-

September 15th.
A page from that first journal.
The first page.
A page written in my mother's hand.
A page from the story of my life.
September 15th.

The truth is that my story began long before September 15th.

There have been many chapters in my life.
I look back now and my life is a book.
A book full of chapters.

I look back at some chapters and I wonder what my character was thinking- I laugh at her mistakes and nod, knowing that she would learn from them. I smile at the times her heart was broken and she thought she would never get through- because I know that she did. I've seen her grow from child- to adolescent- to young adult- to woman. Her transformation before my very eyes.

I look back at some of the supporting characters and know that while they may have been in the book for just a chapter or two- there was a reason for that. There was a reason they were there, there was a reason why they no longer are- a chapter.

I have made peace with those chapters. Those characters I thought would be there until the end of the book, but I now know they will not be. And that is ok now.

But- I used to stay up at night, thinking of those characters. Wondering if somehow I could rewrite those chapters- make things different- change things. But in the end I know that the story was written and there was a reason for it- each laugh- each tear- each rage- all of it. It helped shape that main character. It helped shape me.

And then there was September 15th. It is a chapter I have read over and over and wished somehow that that chapter, that chapter, could have been different. I look back at September 14th and wonder if there was something she could have done- that would have had September 15th ending a different way. But there will be no revisions- no editing. The truth is the character did all she could. She carried two babies for 39 weeks. Two babies who were alive and kicking on September 14th. She had no idea what she would find on the next page and she did everything in her power-expecting September 15th to be written differently. Everything.

September 15th. Such a chapter. A chapter that has totally reshaped her character. A chapter that she looks back on still. Flips back to and learns. There is so much there- so much she is still discovering- so much still there to learn- September 15th- the reason she understands that some characters will not remain for an entire book- September 15th- the reason she understand that some new characters will be there until the final pages.

I look back and I learn.

And yet I read ahead. For I know that the best chapters are yet to come. I know that- as with every great book- as exciting and wonderful and painful as one chapter can be, the next is always better. Always.

My life.
One big book.
Still being written.
And I know it will have a happy ending.

Not the end.