Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sums. (What's right)


We are the sum of our parts.
The sum of our experiences.

There is a reason why I keep his pictures in my room. For my eyes only. For only those who ask to see him. Those pictures are him. But they are not him. Not the way I remembered him. Not the way I see him now- six years old.
I keep his pictures in my room.
It's what's right for me.

There is a reason why I announced my pregnancies early. I shudder when I hear that they've waited to share their exciting news. The news of a new baby until that 12 week safe zone. Is 12 weeks safe? 20? 39? Safe? I had no safe zone. I needed your prayers from that moment- from the moment I saw two lines.
I announced my pregnancies early.
It's what was right for me.

There is a reason why I may leave early from that baby shower. Hearing the excitement, that the clothes are washed and put away- hearing that brings me back- reminds me of a girl I used to know- a lifetime ago- and sometimes I miss her- and sometimes I may feel that sorrow- that longing to feel what it would be like to be her once again- it brings me back and I may not want to share it with you.
I may leave early.
It's what may be right for me.

There is a reason why I speak his name. To remind you. To remind me. That I once was in love with a little boy that may just have lived in my home had I went just one day earlier. Just one sweet day. I once was in love, but he broke my heart and took a piece with him. I love him still.
I speak his name.
It's what's right for me.

There is a reason why I say I have four children at home. At home. Two words you will always hear me add. For two are no longer living in my home, but in my heaven. I forgot those words once. I will never forget them again.
I say those two words.
It's what's right for me.

I don't expect you to know or understand
why I do what I do,
say what I say,
or think what I think.

I am the sum of my parts.
The sum of my experiences.

What I do is not wrong or right but it is-
What's right for me.

And the sum of my parts changes- with each life I am touched by- whether I knew you for a moment or forever. I was changed. Changed by you. And along the way I've learned that what may be right for me, may not be right for you.
And that's ok.

They may not understand now.
They may not understand ever.
But you are the sum of your parts- your experiences.
Do it.
What's right for you.

13 comments:

  1. Just beautiful Laura. Your words always move me to tears. Such imagery in every.word.you write. So glad to know you friend, to know of him, the way you love him. It helps me remember the way I love mine so. Thank you

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  2. Yes indeed, that is all you can do, do what is right for you.

    I think I am doing the same. Although you sometime have regrets you cannot adopt the shape that everyone else would prefer because that would be too small to leave room for Abigail

    Peace and healing

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  3. love you Laura...I remember Andrew and imagine him with you everytime I read your words...god bless...

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  4. LOVE this blog! I understand a lot of what you're saying. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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  5. Your words always echo mine, although I cannot write them as eloquently! Thinking of you sweetie xxx Nan

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  6. Thank you for sharing with us. Your blogs always touch a special place in my heart.

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  7. Beautifully written. You are so gifted. Thanks for sharing.xxx.

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  8. thanks so much for sharing...some days it is your blog that gives me strength.

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  9. A great post!! That's the reason I announced right away-to get many people praying for us!

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  10. This is lovely Laura. There are always reasons why we react the way we do, why we make the choices that we do. We can't help but be informed by the things that have happened to us.

    I'm so sorry that sweet little boy who you loved so dearly didn't come home to you. x

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  11. This is lovely Laura. There are always reasons why we react the way we do, why we make the choices that we do. We can't help but be informed by the things that have happened to us.

    I'm so sorry that sweet little boy who you loved so dearly didn't come home to you. x

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  12. love you Laura...I remember Andrew and imagine him with you everytime I read your words...god bless...

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