She's never known a pain like this. For months she carried them. Dreamed of them. Wished for them and in a matter of moments it was gone. A bad dream. And while she tried to wake up, she couldn't. Sometimes she tries to wake up still. A bad dream. A terrible dream. And perhaps if she tries hard enough she can see him, hear him, wrap her arms around him... but he's always beyond her grasp- beyond- and it hurts. It hurts that he's gone. That he's not coming back- pain like this. Hurt.
She stands alone. Wondering if anyone has felt this way. Surely no one who has lived. Felt this way. Cried these tears. Tears that don't stop. Tears for him. Tears for her. Tears so she'll remember. Tears that they may forget. Tears that come still when others think they have long since dried up. Alone.
All that she's done is fail. Looking around she sees children. Everywhere. Children laughing, and smiling. Children who are full. Children who had mothers who brought them here safely. Kissed them in the night. Held them close. She failed him. He's gone. And had she gone in earlier- done things different...
Hang onto hurt. She did that. She did that for a long time. And when she finally began to let go, loosen her grip on it, it was too much to bear. She crumbled. Her grief was her's. A way to feel close to him again. To show her love for him. Can you let go and still hang on?
If you've been there, you know
If you're still there, hang on.
We're all dealt our lumps of coal.
But what you do with it can turn beautiful.
Peace. Peace from a little boy who sent it to her on that dark September night. The night he was born to the heavens. She felt a peace she will never forget. A peace that she will hold onto until the day she joins him. A peace she can see when she closes her eyes and can see them. Walking hand and hand into the most beautiful light. Laughing. running. Because they know. They know her love still.
You're not alone. She has an ear. To listen and to cry and to feel. To feel deeply because she's been there and she knows the pain. The pain of being so close and losing it all. The pain of dreams that are snatched away before they've even begun. An ear that will never let you feel alone.
A voice. To share her story of the deepest pain and the greatest love. The pain of a mother who lost but gained. Gained the love of a boy who knew her love before he took his first breaths- in a world beyond her own. The love of a boy that felt her heartbeat, knew nothing but warmth, nothing but love. She'll share his story. His lessons. His life. Because it mattered. It matters still.
Moments. Moments to pause and remember and love. Know that it doesn't end here. This is where it begins. This is where your story starts. Look at today. At your choices. Choose the one they'd want you to choose. Choose the one you gave them while their heart beat inside of you. Choose Love.
It's beautiful. Isn't it?
There's a life outside of your madness
And there's a face behind every scar
There's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love.
They'd want you to.
If just for today.
If just for a moment.