Friday, June 11, 2010

Ugly Me.

I try to hold on to hope.
I always have.
Even that night.
Six Septembers ago.
I talked about how blessed we were.
The peace I felt.

And it was all true.

But that is not the whole story.
There was an ugly me.
Gripped by the pain of what had just happened.
Gripped by the horrific thought that my baby was dead.
Dead in the next room.
And I couldn't bear to see him again.
Not that way.
There was no peace in that.

All true.

And I hear of people who are pregnant.
Pregnant after years of trying.
Pregnant with multiples.
And I am so happy for them.

All true.

And still- almost seven years later-
I feel it creep upon me.
The jealousy.
Why do they live?
or more importantly...
Why didn't he?

All true.

Jealousy rears its ugly head.
And normally I keep it at bay.
Normally.

In those early years I would write in my journal.
The ugly me.
So raw.
So real.
I would write through the pain-
Tear-stained face-
clenched teeth-
Tight hands.
The ugly me.

I worked through it and learned more and more about her.
When she would come.
And sometimes I welcomed her.
And needed her.

But every time- When I felt she would swallow me up-
my words would pour out upon wet pages
and the waves would subside.
And that peace I felt.
That peace I felt in that room- six Septembers ago-
Would return.
I'd return.

I know that my reality is this.
This is my reality.
My Peace.
My Jealously.
My Ugly.
My Me.

All of it.
Comes and goes-
Ebbs and flows-
Down again.

Jealous?
Yes.
The Ugly me.

13 comments:

  1. You might be jealous, but I don't think any part of you is ugly. You are 100% wonderful my friend. I am so sorry you are having a wave, I hope the peace comes soon. hugs.

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  2. I am jealous too of those with baby twins. Those are the pictures that are hard to see.

    Because my youngest was born so close it's sort of similar...she still has that built in friend (of about the same age)...but it's not the same.

    Having never held my girls together and not having a picture of them together, that's the one thing that I wish I could change. So that's what's hard for me to see.

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  3. Laura, I'm so sad for you, knowing how hard you are on yourself sometimes. But Krista and Sue had it right: you are in no way evil or ugly. You are wonderful, beautiful, caring and insightful. Maybe a little jealous, sometimes, but that is completely understandable. Be easy on yourself, and know that we understand and share your feelings. HUGS and love to you and all mommies of twinless twins, and mommies who've lost both twins. Gone too soon, but always in our hearts. xoxo

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  4. Jealousy is ugly, but not the kind of jealousy we feel for those who have their twins. It woudn't be normal if we did not feel that way...

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  5. Yes I can so relate to this post. Both because Abigail died and because we cannot have more children. It is hard not to envy what others have so easily.

    I don't think these emotions by themselves are wrong but what you do with them can be distructive

    Peace

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  6. We don't have our twins are home either, but you inspire me to keep going. You let me know that things will get better and they have. Wishing you peace right now!

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  7. oh my lovely Laura.....I had ugly moments too- I think we all probably have.
    I think it's a realistic "side effect" of our intense grief. To imply they haven't nad such moments doesn't make for honesy particularly- I think.

    love you- you have encouraged me so on my own journey....and yet we will both probably always experience a little of that ugly at times.

    understand feeling this way- the one year mark has made for a turbulent heart for this mumma. Wishing you a peaceful heart xx

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  8. It is a strange balance, between that sense of peace and terrible jealousy. Although I think we all have moments of ugliness, I hope that we do come back to the peacefulness that you describe so well. Thank you for writing this Laura, I'm so glad to have you here, I feel as though you are walking in front of me and showing me the path. x

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  9. I'm so sorry..I just came across your blog. I really enjoy reading other babyloss mom's blogs. My daughter, Lily, was born still on March 16 of this year. Thinking of you, Hannah Rose from roseandherlily.blogspot.com

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