Friday, March 11, 2011
It is funny how a child that you hardly know can make you pause- evaluate things. Perhaps that has happened as you've read my words here. Perhaps my Andrew's life or sweet E have changed you in some way... made you look at the world a little different. Made you hug your children a little harder.
It is March and I am reminded of two Marches ago when I wrote of sweet Maddison a wonderful young girl who was taken to heaven after a courageous battle with cancer.
And this March heaven welcomed another child. Little Avery passed away this morning. I first heard Avery's name in late February and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of him- of his family and prayed.
And while my heart aches for his parents and his young brothers- all his family and friends and those who knew him, I do know that today the little boy that has been confined to a bed, unable to move, is dancing. He's home. He's at peace. He's whole.
When I first lost Andrew, I felt I had failed as a mother. I was supposed to keep him safe, keep him here. I failed. I found myself analyzing everything I did, or what I didn't do and wondering, how could I not know... How could I have not felt it somewhere- in my soul- that he was gone? I wrestled with that for a long time, and while I do not know Avery's parents I imagine that they wish with all their hearts that they could turn back time and somehow change what happened that day in late February when their lives changed in ways they would have never imagined- in ways that they have yet to see...
But for me in those early years, I would go back and wonder and blame myself for not keeping him 'safe'.
But then what is 'safe'?
From the moment Andrew's silent body was pulled from mine, I knew he was 'safe'. I felt it stronger than I have felt anything in this world. In that moment, I knew who held him. I knew he was home with the one who knit him together inside me- with the one who loved him and who loved me enough to give me that peace- to die for me...
For we are but strangers here- we will walk this earth for such a short time- yet we will have an eternity to dance, dance with them, again. And what a sweet reunion that will be. What a sweet, sweet day.
May God bless Avery's family as they remember him and mourn his memory as well as the future that they had dreamt for him. And may you pause tonight, hug those you love, and thank God for all that is good, all that you have, and all that is to come knowing that one day it will be even better.
Click here if you would like to send a message to Avery's family, letting them know that you care. I cannot tell you what this means to a family- if you are thinking of them- tell them. Some of the letters that touched me most over the years, were from people I never met (perhaps you)... I wonder if they will ever know what a comfort they were to me.