Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Butterflies...

When I first lost Andrew, I wrote his name everywhere-
I signed his name to every card I sent (and I sent a lot)

But as time went by, things changed. Not my love for Andrew... but something changed in me...

I thought about my Nan. Who lost her son in a car accident when he was 27 years old. She didn't sign his name to cards- Would I still be signing Andrew's name at 27 years? And if not... when would I stop?

At the time, I was writing my living children's' names to cards- since they were too small to print...

I felt myself in an odd place. I didn't know how I felt, or what I wanted to do-
I know this is so different for bereaved moms- and I don't think that there is a right or a wrong to this- but I also knew I had to find what felt 'right' for me.

I didn't know how I wanted to remember Andrew- but I also knew I couldn't forget him-

And then I thought of the butterfly.

I saw them so regularly it seemed and they always made me think of Andrew.

Butterflies-
so beautiful-
And yet they always, ALWAYS flew away too soon...
Much like he did...

So I found myself being drawn to butterflies and put them everywhere-
in my garden-
in my children's' rooms-
in my jewelry-

And my friends knew about the butterflies-
Gifts-
Notebooks with butterflies-
Clips to hang in my classroom of butterflies-
And when I lost Baby E, a beautiful plant and flowers- complete with two butterflies.

And so while I still say his name-
I now rarely print it in cards-
But I do draw two butterflies-
For my two babies 'who flew away too soon...'

Thank you Bree for these beautiful butterflies- What a treat it was to get them- and thank you for the parade of Butterflies you have created for other bereaved moms- for while our children flew away too soon- the love we feel from others, like you, has remained...

To visit Ella's parade of butterflies, click here... http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/2009/06/ellas-parade-of-butterflies.html

11 comments:

  1. You're welcome! The pics you took are great. I'm still in that phase of trying to figure it all out. Not only, should I sign her name, but what do I say when people ask if I have children, that sort of thing. I love the idea of including two butterflies when you sign cards. I may do just that. And, I am very drawn to butterflies now too. I've seen at least one butterfly everyday now for the last month.

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  2. For me it's cardinals and bluebirds. I rarely saw them before we moved, but they are more abundant here. Sometimes they fly away quickly, sometimes they sit in the tree for a bit. It's such a surprise to see them; it was a surprise to be having twins and a surprise to have lost one. So beautiful to see, just like my little girl. They always fly away, like butterflies, and I remember the fleeting moments with Olivia, wishing she would have stayed longer.

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  3. I still write their names in cards and such. I think I always will.

    for me, I have 3 symbols... angels, butterflies, and above all, Bears. :)

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  4. When I sign a card from our family, I draw 2 hearts to represent my sweet Sophia & Ellie. Glad to hear I am not the only one who does something like this. xx

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  5. Love your butterflies! Bree is so sweet :) I am really into them too, and they symbolize rebirth, which makes me feel like everytime I see one it's one of my girls saying hello mommy. Hugs to you xoxo Nan

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  6. I too am drawn to butterflies...I have this tiny butterfly stamp I used for Zoe's memorial cards, and I like to use it to represent her for our cards. Thinking of you, hugs...Kate

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  7. I think it's so important to include our Angels in our family - including cards and notes and such. I have a heart stamp that I use to represent Nicholas. His initial, N, fits inside it perfectly.

    The butterflies are beautiful!

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  8. I love Bree's Butterfly Ministry. She is doing such a wonderful thing to help heal the hearts of the women who have lost their babies.

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  9. That is beautiful that you found what was right for you, drawing the two butterflies on the cards. That just is so beautiful! Doves remind me of my Jenna. We released white doves at her funeral service, and I read somewhere that Jenna means "small bird" which was just so fitting since she was tiny. Ponies also remind me of her bc her grandpa fell in love with her at first sight and wanted to get her a real pony when she turned five. Maybe she has one in Heaven... Thanks for sharing this wonderful thought

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  10. I too draw butterflies on all of the cards I send. I had a very different aspect of the name signing and when it changed for me:

    I was very comfortable with signing Cameron's name, it has been something my family has done for as long as I can remember, to honor those that have passed- you still include them on letters and cards (my grandmother signed my grandfather's name for a year after his death).

    I liked this idea, and it suited me, until my MIL passed a HUGE judgment against me and told me that it was "NOT OK" to sign my daughter's name, or to even have a picture of her up on my wall (She was stillborn at 20wks) she told me that 'no one would have a picture of a dead grandparent on the wall, why was this any different. And this was only 8wks after my loss!

    It still angers me to this day, so I make sure to put extra butterflies on anything I send to her! I have even designed a special butterfly out of the letters in my daughter's name. Every birthday, anniversary, and holiday card from that day forward, I promised to myself, would include Cameron.

    I am glad you were able to do it at your own pace and do what was right for you at the right time! Hugs

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  11. For me it's cardinals and bluebirds. I rarely saw them before we moved, but they are more abundant here. Sometimes they fly away quickly, sometimes they sit in the tree for a bit. It's such a surprise to see them; it was a surprise to be having twins and a surprise to have lost one. So beautiful to see, just like my little girl. They always fly away, like butterflies, and I remember the fleeting moments with Olivia, wishing she would have stayed longer.

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