Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting



The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful blog for women who have lost children. It asks them about their experiences and then allows them to post and read about one another's experience. This is my experience- August.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like. Did you have it ready for them before they were born?If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

The bedroom.
Yellow walls- green bedding- a dresser full of clothes- a shelf full of books- two cribs- and the chair.

Yes it was ready- it had been ready for weeks.
The days passed, and yet they didn't come.
But the room was ready.
So very ready for two little babies.

But then they came.
One week late.
They came on September 15, 2003.
They came- But one left.

Only one baby would sleep in that room.

In the hospital my father and brother asked me. What did I want...
And I wanted it gone.

I didn't want to see the crib-
the empty crib-
I thought it would haunt me to see it there.
But it wasn't the crib-
Its absence in the room...
It was the chair.

The chair was what broke my heart.
I wrote of it here.

The chair.

And we have been blessed.
We have had others-
But they have had no room.
No clean clothes in a dresser-
No crib-
No chair.

Just prayers.
Prayers that soon, we would build another room- full of love- hope- and dreams.
Dreams that wouldn't be taken away.
My daughter was born 15 months after my heart broke, but if you came to our house and looked around, you would have no idea that someone else was expected to come to our home.
Because I didn't expect it.
I couldn't.

The pain of seeing things gone.
Of knowing a baby wouldn't sleep there-
Wear those clothes-
Be read to in that chair-
Was too much.
And too fresh.

And so went the instructions: IF the baby comes, please take out the appropriate clothes from the bins in the basement. Please find the car seat and the bassinet. IF...
IF...

And so now- six years later- a baby is expected to come home in October.
October 9th.

But you wouldn't know it by walking in our home.
But perhaps you would feel the prayers- the love- the hopes- the dreams-
But you won't see things.
But there are things in the basement.
If.

16 comments:

  1. It is truly terrible that our innocence in planning one of the happiest moments of life is taken away. I wish I could find a way to restore that innocence, but it will never be the same. Joyful - yes. But always with the question of if. I pray that you have your fears calmed and hope restored. Thank you for sharing, too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loosing a child has taken away so much from us and that innocence will be forever gone. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is so very sad, written beautifully.
    The chair was very good also. I am truly in awe of you and the other baby loss mothers.
    Your strength is amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Laura. This just breaks my heart.
    If I ever have another child, I'm sure I will be the same way. If . . . .

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Because I didn't expect it.
    I couldn't." this post resonated so deeply with me...So deeply. Sending you warm thoughts as you approach the birth of this new baby.

    ReplyDelete
  6. IF. One little word, so big in all our minds, I'm sure. I was thinking similarly in the car yesterday, "if...I will not have any expectations, then it will not hurt as much." Doubt that, though. Wishing you all the best for the remainder of your pregnancy and beyond. You're almost there :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's okay to feel that way. Heck, it's expected. I know you will bring a healthy baby home, though. And I hope for you to know that, too. Praying for you.
    <3
    Christy

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have things in the basement too. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You hang in there sweet soul, we are all praying for you and lifting you up when you are down. Sending you sunshine and hugs, Nan xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Check out my blog--I nominated you for an Honest Scrap Award!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Laura..."..I didn't expect it. i couldn't"- I can understand those thoughts.
    "IF" is going to be a hurdle for us to cross sometime in the future- i hope. Hope not for the hurdle but for the real live baby to end up in the room we get ready for them

    Oh I pray so hard for October and a baby to go home with you...I feel your prayers, love and hopes and I feel them with you. No if- it just has to.

    thanks for sharing Laura- you write so well of your grief and pain.

    ReplyDelete
  12. your words are beautiful. i wish for nothing but wonderful things for you and your family on october 9th.
    MB

    ReplyDelete
  13. Awesome Laura (as always!). Big hugs to you and that baby <3

    ReplyDelete
  14. Awesome Laura (as always!). Big hugs to you and that baby <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. your words are beautiful. i wish for nothing but wonderful things for you and your family on october 9th.
    MB

    ReplyDelete
  16. That is so very sad, written beautifully.
    The chair was very good also. I am truly in awe of you and the other baby loss mothers.
    Your strength is amazing.

    ReplyDelete

Your thoughts?