Sunday, August 16, 2009

Strength- in the form of a little boy-

I remember when they arrived.
I didn't think I'd really ever get them...

The hospital stay was really such a blur-
So many choices given-
Choices made-
In a moment.

What would you like to do with his body?

I don't know? What are my choices? I've never done this before... I just came here to have a baby not to lose one...

Choices.
Burial, Cremation, Donation...

What is 'Donation'?

You can send your baby to the University of Michigan. There a doctor will perform an autopsy- in hopes to learn more about stillbirth- to further the knowledge of perinatal loss- He would be with one doctor, not a class. The doctor would be in contact with you. Let you know. That is one choice you have.

Helping others learn more? Perhaps preventing another mom of this heart-ache?

"Yes. I'd like that- that beautiful body is his container. It's not him. I like his life having a purpose- a help to others. Yes. Yes. I'd like that."

I signed on the dotted line knowing that after the autopsy he would be cremated but it was not custom to receive his ashes. But I was o.k. with that... Wasn't I???

Months later I began to panic.
I needed those ashes.
What had I done?
A container yes- but that precious beautiful body held his soul.
I held him. I loved him.
What had I done????

And then- as if God had answered my prayers I got the letter.
It had changed... IF families wanted them, they could get their loved-one's ashes back- but they needed to know by a certain date. Before burial.

I made calls! YES I WANT THEM!
I sent emails! YES I WANT THEM!
I faxed faxes! YES I WANT THEM!

I knew they would come- and I waited and waited and waited...

And then came the package.
So very small.
And I knew what it was.
I opened it up and looked at what was left. Fingered its contents. My six pound eleven ounce baby. So full of life inside of me- I could now hold in one hand- and I fell. My legs gave out on me. I fell to the floor in uncontrollable sobs. My baby! My God! My God- Why have you forsaken me? The pain was unbearable and I felt in the moment- knew in that moment that I could not get up alone. I still remember that floor- the shaking- the pain.
The pain.
I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. Though as I write these words- 5 years have gone by. Five years.
And yet I will never forget it.

For while on that floor, my God sent me strength- which came in the form of a little boy- crawling to his mom- watching his mom as she wept.
Wept so much for his brother- for not being able to keep him here. Not being able to keep him safe. Keep his spirit here. In that beautiful container. Safe.

My God sent me strength- which came in the form of a little boy-
crawling to his mom- resting his head upon hers.
Comfort.
Strength.
Breath.

He watched me as I wept. And I hope he doesn't remember the pain in my eyes. The hurt in my soul. I don't think he does. For he was sent to me- and he came- and in that moment he saved me- saved the pieces of my already shattered heart.

It's moments like this- I am so very grateful to my God. My Comfort. My Strength.

11 comments:

  1. Oh hon, you have me in tears. I wasn't able to pull myself together to make any decisions so hubby had to make them for us. It was just all too sudden and hit like a brick wall. Many hugs to you xoxoxo Nan

    ReplyDelete
  2. It is so unfair that we only have mere moments to make these life altering choices when our babies die. We are not prepared for any of it. I am glad you were able to get your sweet babies ashes. They must be so special to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Time doesn't change how we feel does it? It doesn't heal the pain or take the pain away. Five year for you. Three years for me for my daughter. One and a half years for my son. It seems like yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for your comment on my blog today. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    I am very sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  5. You have a true talent for sharing your experiences, Laura. I wonder if I can ever be that open one day......

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yeah seriously so true-I feel the same way...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am always amazed at how you can put these horrific experiences into words- beautiful words.

    What a wonderfully unselfish thing you chose to do. I'm so glad that you got to keep Andrew's ashes too.

    I am continually haunted by the time I spent in the hospital. The nurses prepping me, asking me to make decisions. I know I did the best I could at the time, but it's hard not to have regrets or wonder "what if?".

    ReplyDelete
  8. As Bree says, what an unselfish decision.

    My heart broke for you reading this. It is so true, all those critical decision have to be made so quickly. And that moment of falling to the floor in pain and sheer disbelief and incomprehension.

    I hope that my daughter doesn't remember seeing me cry either. And I'm so very glad that strength came to you. xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. laura,
    it is so hard for me to picture that beautiful, smiling face of yours experiencing these continuing painful moments. your words are so descriptive that it is hard not to feel what you were and are feeling. i wish you more and more peaceful moments and thoughts as time goes by....<3 you!
    hugs, donna

    ReplyDelete
  10. laura,
    it is so hard for me to picture that beautiful, smiling face of yours experiencing these continuing painful moments. your words are so descriptive that it is hard not to feel what you were and are feeling. i wish you more and more peaceful moments and thoughts as time goes by....<3 you!
    hugs, donna

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am always amazed at how you can put these horrific experiences into words- beautiful words.

    What a wonderfully unselfish thing you chose to do. I'm so glad that you got to keep Andrew's ashes too.

    I am continually haunted by the time I spent in the hospital. The nurses prepping me, asking me to make decisions. I know I did the best I could at the time, but it's hard not to have regrets or wonder "what if?".

    ReplyDelete

Your thoughts?