Raw

It's here.
I knew it would come-
I didn't know the circumstances-
or the details-
but it has come.

My scab has been ripped off-
Again back to that place-
So very very raw...

Not the moment I learned he was gone-
or when I kissed him goodbye-
No.

It was the middle of the night-
As I watched my new baby sleep-
My husband sleep-
that I realized....
He's gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six years ago I sat in my hospital bed with my journal and pen in hand- writing- cursing- WHY?
And I find myself there now...
Back in that place-
That dark, dark place I thought I had left.
When was the last time my heart went there?

The place where you can't find your breath-
Your eyelashes glued together- unable to wipe away the tears that flow-
and flow-
and flow-
Will they stop????

The place where you can't talk- but you gasp-
gasp for your next breath-
before your next STOP!!!!!
before your next WHY?????????

I'm there.
I'm raw.

Twins.
Identical ones.
One seated next to my dear son.
One seated behind.

Where are you Andrew???
Why aren't you here???
WHY??

Where is my strength?
Where is my breath?
Where is my reason??

I'm lost.
I'm raw.
I'm broken...

I'm back there and I don't want to be.
Not yet.
Not now.
Not twins.

God why?
Why? Why? Why?

To see twin boys for me hurts. I smile and nod- but deep down it hurts.
I see two in strollers and I think... I didn't cry- I didn't hurt-
Acknowledgement-
Twin boys.
Fucking Twin Boys.

In his class-
at his table-

And so next week- when I am home from work- remembering- writing- crying- dreaming- and wishing- I will travel to his garden and I will write him- and thank him-
But right now I am so very angry with him...
Why didn't you stay?
How can I do this alone?
How can I walk into his classroom with cupcakes of celebration- with a broken heart and fake smile on my face while seeing two-
two-
What I should have had.

Oh dear God-
It's so raw again....
Please, please help me find my peace once more...
I know you will.