Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Raw

It's here.
I knew it would come-
I didn't know the circumstances-
or the details-
but it has come.

My scab has been ripped off-
Again back to that place-
So very very raw...

Not the moment I learned he was gone-
or when I kissed him goodbye-
No.

It was the middle of the night-
As I watched my new baby sleep-
My husband sleep-
that I realized....
He's gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six years ago I sat in my hospital bed with my journal and pen in hand- writing- cursing- WHY?
And I find myself there now...
Back in that place-
That dark, dark place I thought I had left.
When was the last time my heart went there?

The place where you can't find your breath-
Your eyelashes glued together- unable to wipe away the tears that flow-
and flow-
and flow-
Will they stop????

The place where you can't talk- but you gasp-
gasp for your next breath-
before your next STOP!!!!!
before your next WHY?????????

I'm there.
I'm raw.

Twins.
Identical ones.
One seated next to my dear son.
One seated behind.

Where are you Andrew???
Why aren't you here???
WHY??

Where is my strength?
Where is my breath?
Where is my reason??

I'm lost.
I'm raw.
I'm broken...

I'm back there and I don't want to be.
Not yet.
Not now.
Not twins.

God why?
Why? Why? Why?

To see twin boys for me hurts. I smile and nod- but deep down it hurts.
I see two in strollers and I think... I didn't cry- I didn't hurt-
Acknowledgement-
Twin boys.
Fucking Twin Boys.

In his class-
at his table-

And so next week- when I am home from work- remembering- writing- crying- dreaming- and wishing- I will travel to his garden and I will write him- and thank him-
But right now I am so very angry with him...
Why didn't you stay?
How can I do this alone?
How can I walk into his classroom with cupcakes of celebration- with a broken heart and fake smile on my face while seeing two-
two-
What I should have had.

Oh dear God-
It's so raw again....
Please, please help me find my peace once more...
I know you will.

9 comments:

  1. Laura, I am so sorry you have to "remember" this on this day, this day that is supposed to be a joyous one for your son.

    But know, Andrew is your guardian angel, he is looking down on you and your family, he will be looking down guarding you until you meet him again at God's pearly gates.

    Kelly Hahn

    We are praying for you.

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  2. *tears*

    ((hug))

    So tonight, just a few min ago in fact, I happened upon a photo on my facebook of my husband when he was in the hospital. The day he died, I changed my profile to this photo. Why? because he was waving to the camera (me) in the photo (trying to get his nephew to look at me) but I put it there as his "goodbye"... anyway...it just brought it all back up again...

    My daughter... my husband...

    I'm sorry your son isn't there to grow up with his brother... it's just not fair, is it...?? Not fair at all.

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  3. I am sorry you have had all those raw emotions stirred up again. I know it is hard. I pray for peace for your broken heart. xx

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  4. Oh Laura!! What a shock; certainly not the way to begin the year! HUGS!

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  5. I am so sorry Laura. I know how it feels to see identical twins, for me though it is girls. It is like a knife piercing my heart each and every time. It is just so unfair...I wish both your boys were here to enjoy those cupcakes. My heart breaks for you. xx

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  6. Oh Laura. I'm so sorry. That must have hurt terribly. Sometimes it seems as though life is out of hurt us, to reminds us of what we could have had or should have had. It is so very, very hard to understand why our children aren't here. Hugs. xo

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  7. I am praying for you. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

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