Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Where it began... Two minutes-

September 15, 2003
Where it all began-

And today I thought about it... This time six years ago- I was different-
I was happy
I was me
I was whole

But in the matter of two minutes my life changed.
It changed forever-
I am happy
I am me
But I am no longer whole

At 10:35pm my life changed- I remember the dim room- the silence- the feeling of him being pulled from my body-
The silence.
And I was changed.
For with him, went a piece of me- never to return- never to be as it was- changed.

At 10:36pm my life changed- the same dim room- the silence- the feeling of him being pulled from my body-
The cries.
And I was changed.
For with him, went a piece of me- never to return- never to be as it was- changed.

One living- one dead- and yet both had such a role in my transformation.

Part of my heart died that day

Part of my heart exists outside of my body-
in the little boy
who lives in heaven
and in the little boy
who lives before my eyes.

Two minutes.
In one- I wanted to die- to go with him- for how could I live without him?
In another- I wanted to live- live for him- for how could I ever leave?

And so it began.
My journey.
My life as a mom of twins that no one ever saw.
My life of reflecting and writing and searching for my purpose- my meaning- my reason.
My life with part of my heart- gone- yet living outside of my body.

It began on September 15, 2003.
My life. A life worth living and sharing. A life that grew and aged and changed. A life that suddenly understood.

It is about lives- living them to the fullest and not letting a day go by where you don't learn and grow and change.
It is about taking a moment-
A moment to pause-
and think about what you DO have- even when your arms are empty- for they didn't leave you alone- while they took a piece of you- they left a piece too.
Peace.
Find it.
Pause-
Just for a moment...

On September 15th I changed.
I'm changing still.
And I welcome it.
For through the letters I've written in his journal- the words I've written here and the thoughts that have crossed my lips- I have changed.
And I am all the more blessed for it.

And yet I still wonder where that 'other' path would have led me on this day... six years later had he lived- close my eyes- I can almost see it...

16 comments:

  1. Wow, this is so poignant and beautiful. Hugs to you, Laura.

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  2. It is amazing how only a moment or two can completely turn your life around.

    ((hugs)) Happy birthday to two very special boys...one who runs... one who soars...

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  3. I understand being a mommy to twins, but no one recognizing it. It is so hard and sometimes I want to shout it to everyone, just so they know I had them; I still have them in my hearts. Thinking of you and your sweet boys on this day.
    xx

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  4. laura,
    it is so amazing how you take your pain and turn it into something so inspiring. as i said last night...your words touch so many, including me...."A life worth living and sharing." you definitely got that right, my friend...love you lots! <3 <3 <3

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  5. Amazing as always. Love the line..."a mom of twins no one ever saw."

    So very, very true!

    I can "amost see it" too, my other path.

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  6. Beautiful writing, Laura!! It is scary how are lives can change in an instant. I know what you mean when you say that a part of your heart is gone. Peace and HUGS, xoxox Kellie

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  7. Beautiful. Tears in my eyes. <3

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  8. Happy birthday to you and both of your babies. Love to your husband and your family. Congratulations for being a STRONG woman and wonderful mother. Praing for you from this day forward!

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  9. Very pretty Laura. You keep such a beautiful journal.

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  10. Thank you so very much for sharing this incredible moment of pause with us all. Your courage and eloquence are an inspiration to me, Laura. On so many levels, in so many things, only the briefest of moments makes all the difference...again, thanks...

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  11. Thank you so very much for sharing this incredible moment of pause with us all. Your courage and eloquence are an inspiration to me, Laura. On so many levels, in so many things, only the briefest of moments makes all the difference...again, thanks...

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  12. Happy birthday to you and both of your babies. Love to your husband and your family. Congratulations for being a STRONG woman and wonderful mother. Praing for you from this day forward!

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  13. Beautiful. Tears in my eyes. <3

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  14. It is amazing how only a moment or two can completely turn your life around.

    ((hugs)) Happy birthday to two very special boys...one who runs... one who soars...

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