Stay with me.

Today she handed me a paper.
On October 9th she will deliver my baby.

Holding the paper made it feel real.
For a moment.
I haven't really imagined a new baby coming to live with us.
I haven't given it much thought- boy? girl?
But holding that paper- my mind began to wonder.

I walked to my car.
Turned the key.
And began my ride home.

And my mind began to write- to compose- words- ideas swirling in the air...
A new baby coming to live with us?
A boy a girl?
Wonder?

And in the background of my thoughts- I saw the backdrop of my life.
My life as a mother-
How I have tried to protect myself- shield myself- from the unknown...
or in my case- the known too well...

As my mind began to wander- it stopped- and listened.
For on the radio came some familiar notes.
From a familiar band.
A song I heard so many times-

The Lyrics:
She's so scared
So very frightened
Anything could happen
Right here tonight-
-Beautiful Girl (Stay with me)

And while I do not know if the baby growing inside of me is a boy or a girl-
the song spoke to me-

And I started thinking about him.
The reason I am so scared
So very frightened
Anything could happen
Right here tonight-
-Beautiful (Stay with me)

Stay with me...
It's what I wrote last year this month in my journal as I miscarried my baby

Stay with me...
It's what I secretly prayed in my mind when I saw the ultrasound- the absence of his heartbeat.

Stay with me...
It's what I begged as I held his lifeless body- kissed him-
begged him...
Stay with me!

And it's my prayer now.
And though these recent months have gone by-
And I haven't really imagined a new baby coming to live with us.
And I haven't given much thought- boy? girl?
Today as I heard those notes- my mind began to wander and wonder
and beg-
Stay with me...

(The Band: INXS- The Song: Beautiful Girl)