A bird on a wire

Have you ever noticed a bird on a wire?

I never really noticed them.  I never took the time to look up, but my son did.  He'd point them out to me and up I'd look and sure enough, there they were~ birds perched up there looking down at all of us.

I look for them now.

They slow me down.

They remind me to look up.

I sometimes feel like that bird on the wire, watching things from afar. I'm not in the thick of it anymore. I don't wonder if my next breath will come.  

I simply breathe.

But there was that time that I was there. 

wondering.

wishing.

praying.

That somehow I'd find a way out of this.

Fly away.

And I did.

It took a long time, but I left it.

I left it behind.

Left the intense moment-to-moment pain.

My smile came back.

My laughter came back.

But that old me was never seen again.

She flew away.

I didn't know it, but she flew away with him.

On that September night.

I didn't even notice, but just like that

She was gone.

And that's OK.

The girl who was left behind is stronger.

She is braver.

She fuller.

She is you.

Give yourself permission to say no.

To not be strong.

To not be brave.

To not understand.

Give yourself permission to let her fly away.

And see who remains.

In time, you may find you like her more than you ever thought you could.

I do.

~Peace~

You Remembered.

Holidays are hard.

Especially for those who have lost someone in the last year...

The parties. The gatherings. The laughter.

Sometimes you wonder if they remember.

The Christmases have gone by for me.  10 of them now.

I have gone to the parties. The gatherings. The laughter has been mine.

Still sometimes I wonder if they remember.

My birthday is on Christmas Eve.

A day where I know I will sing, Silent Night and think about the greatest gift, and the gifts He gave me.

And I will think about that silent night when he was born.

The silent delivery room.

The silence when he arrived.

I will sing, as silent tears fall.

Every year.

Like Mother's Day, I have mixed feelings every Christmas Eve.

This year, my mom handed me a bag with two boxes in it.

I opened the first and saw a beautiful necklace.

A family of birds sitting on a branch.

2 big birds.

4 little birds.

I couldn't really look at it.  Are those two things on the end of the branch butterflies?

My mom shook her head no.

"They are just leaves."

"I think they're butterflies."

"They're not."

My heart hurt a little and I choked back tears.  Ten years but certainly she remembered.  My mom who has listened to my journey~ walked it with me.  My mom who once answered that questions "How many grandchildren do you have?" with, "My son has two and my daughter has four 'at home'."

Yes.  I heard.  I hear it all.

We all do.

How could she forget.

I wanted to cry.

And then I opened the next box.

A pair of earrings.

Two birds.

Two birds that left the branch.

And flew away.

Too soon.

I love them more than you know.

I love more that you remembered.

Thank you!

Broken Road

I know broken.

I know numb.

I know empty.

I know sad.

I know despair.

I know guilt.

I know anger.

I know release.

It has been nine years since we last laid eyes on our son and still it was a moment that will forever be frozen in time for me.  I remember my husband.  How he lost his voice.  He couldn't talk for two days.  He just sat. And stared. As tears rolled down his face.

Broken. Numb. 

I remember going through motions as the time passed.  I heard people's laughter, but couldn't find my own. I couldn't smile.  It hurt too much.

Empty. Sad.

I walked along quietly. Often not knowing how I got from one place to another.  Wondering how I would get out of bed.  I would cry in the shower. Scream into my pillow. Sink to the floor.

Despair.

I went back in time.  Looked at my calendar. Replayed the days.  Was there a change in movement I didn't feel?  Why didn't I ask to be induced earlier.  Why hadn't I let her strip my membranes to get things going.  Why did I wait?

Guilt.

He shook his fist at God.  Went toe to toe with him.  How could He take our son? He went through the motions, went to church to appease me, but he wasn't really there.  He turned his back for two years.

Anger.

And then one day it came. I didn't cry.  And I cried because of it.

He went to the garden.  I heard his guitar sing. 

Friday's events brought back many of those feelings for us as I am sure they did many in this community.  That night as we drove to a Christmas party, we hardly felt like celebrating.

"How could God let this happen?  Where IS He?"

He was angry.  Furious. Broken.

I reminded him of the release.  Of our road.  Of the God that got me through.  Got US through!

He yelled at me (at Him), "Where is He now?"

We stopped talking.  Went through the motions of the evening.  Put on our smiles.

Where is He?

He's with them.  He's next to them in the silence, as the tears roll down. He walks with them in their haze as they cry in their showers, scream into their pillows, sink to the floor.  He's beside them as they wonder why they sent them that day.  He's facing them as they scream and curse His name screaming WHY?  WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?

And one day it will happen.

They will feel His presence.

They will have that sweet release.

A feeling of peace that covers you when you're ready.

Falls down over you like a flood.

That knowledge that they are OK and so too will you be.

You are not alone, they've left you with something you didn't think you'd ever find again.

Hope.

On Saturday he apologized.  He held me.

On Sunday he stood before our church and before he strummed his guitar he pointed out a lyric.

One that I had sung many times, but had never resonated with me like it did in that moment.

He spoke,

"And I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see.

Because this broken road, prepares Your will for me."

We have certainly walked a broken road.  A road that at times I crawled.

But that road has helped me.  It's shaped me. Prepared me.  And I am so proud that I can call myself Andrew and E's mom.  I can call myself blessed.

They won't get over this, but they will get through it.

These lives will not be in vain.  They have shaped a parent. a sibling. a neighbor. a teacher. a town. a state. a country. the world.

And we will be blessed.

Heart Sick

My Dear Children,

I wanted to write you about today but like I have shielded you from some of the details of the pain I went through when I lost Andrew and E, I know you aren't ready (nor should you be) to know about the horrific details of today.  Still I know that today is a day that will go down in history and so I wanted to share with you my thoughts on it not on our family blog that you sometimes read but on the blog I imagine you will learn about one day, when you're ready.

On Sunday, we will sit you down and tell you that some very sad things happened in a school in another state.  That some children died.  We will pray for their families and I will tell you that I know that there may be some children that will talk about it in school but that some of them may not know the whole story and that sometimes they say things that aren't true.  We will also tell you not to believe what you hear but to ask us and talk to us about it if you ever want to.  And I hope you will.  I also hope that you will not talk to others about it.  That this can be scary or sad and that it is something children should talk about with their parents.

You have all (especially you, Jonasen) been very forthcoming with questions about sadness and sorrow and death. I pray that I can follow your lead as I have in the past.  That God will give me the words I should tell you in a way that is appropriate for what your young hearts can handle.  This has always been a fine line for me as I often wonder what my poor old heart can handle.

The sad truth is there is sadness in this world.  As a teacher, I have heard some things that have made my heart sick.  Losing your brother and sister made my heart sick and learning that there are so many more families grieving their children tonight makes me heartsick.

It makes me sad.

A coworker first asked me if I had heard the news.  She told me there had been a school shooting and I assumed it was a high school somewhere.  Then I learned of the number dead.  Then I learned of the ages.

Kindergarten.

Zach.  You are in kindergarten.

When I came home you wrapped your arms around me and told me you loved me and you'd never let go.  I told you that you could stay that way forever.  Today I felt that you could.  Knowing that someone in this world would never have those five year old arms they felt just that morning wrap around their neck again, nearly broke me, but I didn't let it.  The odd thing about sorrow is you are given just as much strength as you need to get you through a moment. Just enough to breathe in and out.

I haven't seen any pictures from today.  I haven't heard any news stories.  I'm not sure that I want to.

I also want you to know how fearful I am of guns. How the idea of having them in my school scares me.  How having them in your school PETRIFIES me.  I often wonder what is happening to our state, our country, the world... I sometimes wonder what God wants us to do with this. I hold my hands out and am still.  I am used to having questions go unanswered.  But still it makes my heart sick.

Last night we painted ornaments for Andrew.  We painted ornaments for E.  We painted ornaments for two other babies you and I had hoped would stay but left too soon.  Life has some tremendous sadness and if you aren't careful, it can swallow you up.

That is what I am afraid of.  I am afraid of the sadness and the anger that swallows you up.  Because when it does, you are lost.  I don't know, but I imagine those who commit such horror have been swallowed up.  Lost.

So be kind to others.  Smile often.  Hug.  Don't underestimate the power of a loving touch on someone's shoulder or asking someone how they are~ if you see someone getting swallowed up, hold out your hand.  Rescue them.  Just like there are tragedies in this world, there are also miracles. You were all a miracle to me.  You can be a miracle to others.

Just like one lost soul can change the world, so can one brave soul. You can change the world by reaching out and saving someone.  By being an ear.

The children are OK.  They are in heaven and whole.  Their families are not.  They are in a lot of pain and will be for years and years to come and for that I am heartsick.  

I love you,

Mom

October 15th (and lantern release)

Oh Lord that ache.
Those days when I wondered how I would live to see another day, let alone another year.
And here I am.
October 15th.
Nine years later.
On a day set aside for people like me, to remember.
September 15th is mine.
October 15th is ours.

I have never experienced anything quite like this community that I have come to belong to.  I  never knew that I could forge lifelong friendships in the matter of moments.  Baring your soul, your brokenness~ will do that to you.  Some live states and even oceans away.  The broken have come to create something unbreakable.
Friendship.

Today I looked on facebook to see picture after picture of candles. Lit candles all remembering someone's precious hope.  I watched as my candle burned for the babies I loved and lost and as the flame danced I thought of the others... so many others that I knew from just the words on their mothers' and fathers' blogs, those I met within the walls of the hospital and those I met over emails.  I thought of them all, and I thought about how truly thankful I am for each of them~ Each of them have shared their stories with me and in doing so, changed me.

Losing someone by definition leaves you alone~ and yet alone is the furthest thing from what I feel right now. I feel blessed and honored and loved.  Loved because I was Andrew's mother.  I was E's mother.  Loved because I was your friend/ am your friend.  Blessed to be a blessing.

Last night my beautiful and talented friend Jessica (who keeps a popular and beautifully written blog HERE) and I met with others for our first annual lantern release.  It had been a rainy day and I prayed and prayed for the clouds to part.  When I arrived at our location my prayers had been answered.  The skies were blue and I felt such peace.  It would be perfect.

As people arrived, so did the dark clouds and soon the heaven's opened and the water fell.  I was so disappointed and yet it seemed somehow to fit us... Standing in the rain.  Standing together.

The wind picked up as the rain died down and we made our way to a dock overlooking a beautiful lake. We opened up our lanterns and learned that just like our own thoughts, the winds would try to keep us down~ but we've done this before.  We've weathered harder storms and soon, one by one with the help of others who have walked this road, our lanterns went to the heavens... drifting silently to those we still love.  Those we never forget.

Andrew's love was a turning page for me.  I often think of my life in two sections... before Andrew and after Andrew.  Not so much because of him... but because of me.  His life changed who I am and the way I look at life.  Every day I can pause and reflect and remember what I'm doing here. Who I want to be~ and Andrew and E's lives have given me continued strength to be that person.

I put some pictures together from our lantern release in a video you can view below or click HERE to see.  My talented friend Nan (whose amazing work you can see HERE), came to shoot our first annual release.  I am already looking forward to next year as we grow in our friendships and our community.

The song I chose for the pictures had some lines that are resonating with me tonight and I'd like to leave you with those lines and wish you well this night and all the nights to come~ stormy and clear.  You're not alone... you just need look to the heaven's to know that.

Blessings~
L

I surrender who I've been for who you are,for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.if I had only felt how it feels to be yours,well,I would have known what I've been living for all along.what I've been living for.
though we're tethered to the story we must tell,when i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

9.

Nine.
9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9. 9.
How is that possible?

I thought the days leading up would be the worst. That perhaps nine would be a year where the anticipation was worse than the sting of the day.  I was wrong.

The screams of Christmas woke me from my slumber on September 15th and I realized that Jonasen had discovered the 50 balloons I blew up for him the night before.  On a night where I could say, "Nine years ago tonight I didn't know..." He ran upstairs to my bed and threw his nine year old arms around me and said, "Thank you mom!" I held him tight(er) though he probably didn't notice~ He was off in moments to rejoin the laughter of his younger siblings and I was alone with my thoughts.

Jeff joined me soon.  He was tired.  He had woke early to get donuts for our 9 year old Joe, and to sit and remember Andrew.  Something that he needed to do alone.  Something that I too needed to do alone but this year being a Saturday, it was a luxury I didn't have. Jeff reminded me I should get going to the garden... We had soccer games later.

I felt the water with my hand and stepped in.  My eyes closed and I felt I was in our old shower.  The one in the house he should have come home to.  The shower I sunk to my knees in praying I could wash the bad dream of losing him from my being.  My hands went to my face and my body shook. This wasn't happening.  Why was this happening? I had done this before.  Nine times.  9.

But then I realized, I had never grieved a nine year old before.

Nine.

An age I remember. An age of opinions and thoughts. An age of wonderings of the world. The year before a decade.

I sunk and cried and like those days of long ago can't recall how I got up, toweled off and readied myself to face the living.

No make-up today.  The sun was shining and I was thankful I would be wearing my sunglasses to hide my tired, sad eyes.  For how could I be sad? Nine years ago today I became a mother and he became a father.

I met him in the hallway and he took me in his arms.  Again I sank and he lifted me.  We stayed there for a while until he whispered, "Go. Don't let them see you like this."

I scooped my keys, the candles, the marker, his journal and the fire and I was off to buy his balloons.
Nine.

I got to the garden and walked the path I had walked so many times. On this day.  September 15th. With balloons in hand, I walked to her brick, I wrote her I loved her and thanked her for coming to my dreams.  I kissed her balloon and sent it to the sky.

And then I went there.
To his brick.
With his balloons.
And I sat.
And I sunk.
And I sobbed.
Nine.

I wrote him I loved him. I told him it all. I kissed each of his nine balloons for the nine years he's been away and I watched until they were gone. Faded into the blue.  Faded from sight~ and soon from memory.

I closed my eyes and I didn't see him at 9.  I imagined our reunion.  Him a young man, stepping out to see me when I got home.  Taking me into his arms and saying, "Welcome home, mom.  I got all of your kisses, all of your tears, all of those many, many balloons. Welcome home.  Welcome home."

The game was starting and I knew I had to go. Unlike years past I had to stay strong. I was meant to be here. Meant to stay.  The reunion will have to wait. But one day it will happen.

And I am 9 years closer.

9.

Remembering E

It was four years ago tonight that I lost my little E.
My little spark.
Four years ago today I didn't know it yet.  I didn't know she was gone.  I still had hope.

It was four years ago tomorrow that my hope died. I couldn't believe it had happened again. Again. I sat with the same doctor. Saw the same absence on the ultrasound. Stared into the same tear stained eyes of my husband. Hope was gone. I was gone. I was empty.

Four years later I still remember her.  I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  Her days.  Seeing the test for the first time.  Feeling great. Certain it would be a girl. Dreaming. Seeing that heartbeat again and again.  But still, I remember the spotting, the bleeding, the cramping, the praying, the pleading to stay. stay. stay.

It was "just a miscarriage".  That's what they said then~ and four years ago yesterday I may have agreed with them.  But then it happened to me.  It happened to her and it was not 'just' anything. It was a soul that lived in me.  A soul that left. A soul that I had no idea at the time would touch me like she did.  Like she does.

You can't control feelings but you can choose the way you want to live.  I chose to remember her.  Her life albeit so small and so short (even compared to the brother she joined) was real.  She waits for me.

Today she filled me up.  Today I thought of her as I watched another sweet girl be born into the family of God through the waters of baptism.  I thought of amazing, saving grace.  I thought of her.

I thought of her.
And I smiled.

Remembering E today, on her fourth year with her brother.  One year closer to meeting me~
Though I think she may know me already.