Monday, July 20, 2009

I'm Sad

I'm sad.
And since I cannot drink a glass of red wine in my current state (pregnancy- if you've been following this you knew about that- but if not... now you do...), I am doing the next best thing that usually makes me feel better...
Writing.
I'm praying this will work.
This is not about the babies that I'm missing, but it is about a grief that I am feeling and the odd thing is, it's for someone who is still alive.

Those who know me in 'real' life, know the deep connection I have with my grandparents. Perhaps it is because I (their first grandchild) was born shortly after their 27 year old son was killed suddenly in an accident (on his father's birthday) and I gave them hope. Perhaps it is because they only had two children and my brother and I were their only grandchildren so they poured themselves into our lives. Or Perhaps it is because they were/are just amazing people that I treasure. I miss the long talks and letters from my grandpa...

I never cry when I blog, but right now I can feel a sting of tears as I think of how I wish he was here- and I wonder... would things be different?

My Grandpa Jonasen passed away shortly after he moved to our town from out of state. They actually moved to the end of our street where there is an active independent living community. So close we could walk, and see them a few times a week. He moved to be closer to us, so that we could take care of his beloved, my Nana. I'm sure he sensed it then. I know he did. She was beginning to forget things.

And we've joked about it. I still can hear her laugh. (Gosh I long to hear her laugh- the kind of laugh that makes you smile.) How she can't remember things- or that she's forgetful. We could tease her about it, she would tease herself. Such fun she was!

Why am I talking about her in past tense?

On the fourth of July my Nan fell and broke her hip. I recognize that these things happen to people in their 90s, but not her. She's in amazing shape! She walked in a parade that morning and only started getting some grey hairs in her 80s. Doctors do a double-take when they compare her age with what they see before them... On her 90th birthday she even beat me in golf! (So I'm not that good- but she did squeak by me with a 52 on 9!)

She was walking down to the lake, getting a better look at the great grand-kids. My kids- who she often is seen crawling on the floor with. My kids who were playing ball in the yard at my parents'. She'd done it countless times before, walked down those stairs... but this time she wasn't paying attention. She stepped off to the side and fell.

I had no idea then how that simple step would change things.
I had no idea then how angry I would be at myself for not watching closer and being there for her.

Since that time she has had the doctors replace her hip. She is learning to use it again and the doctors tell my mom that she is doing well. She took 70 steps today!

Only she doesn't remember it.

And today she didn't remember me.

When I went to visit her she looked at me and smiled. I said, "Hi Nan, it's me Laura!" (And no- her eyes are fine, but I knew from talking with my mom earlier that she had a hard time remembering me.) My mom was there too. (She always is- and my dad and I take turns so she can have moments away.)

My Nan never said that she didn't remember me... but I could tell in her eyes that something
was different. Something was gone and I wanted to break down right there and wrap my arms around her and tell her NO! Please God NO!- Don't leave me! Don't leave us this way!

I have been so blessed by her and my Grandpa Jonasen. So much so that while we planned to name our first born son after them, we named our first LIVING son after them. The Jonasen name needed to live on- their spirit needed to live on, not only as it does in us, but in name too.

I have been so blessed to have grandparents live into their 90s on both sides of my family- and for the most part- healthy. But with that blessing, also comes this. Unlike the pain of losing a child, this is a pain that you expect. You expect to outlive your grandparents. But right now I can't seem to bear the thought of losing her like this. I can't bear the thought of her losing us before she's actually gone...

So I'm praying for a few things tonight...
A sense of calm after my tears (which happens with red wine and seems to be subsiding through my writing) and the second is an odd thing and I feel guilty writing it, but I already talked to God about it and since He knows the truth of my heart, and I spoke it aloud (in the privacy of my car), I might as well write it here.

I pray for the end of suffering.
The end of suffering for an amazing woman who is in physical pain from trying to learn to use her hip again.
The end of suffereing for an amazing woman who by just looking into her eyes you can tell is pained that she can't remember- can't recall things that she knows she should.
The end of suffering for my mom who doesn't know what to do or where to go next with the care of her mother.
And I pray for what I always do, in all my trials, for all my friends...
I pray for clarity.

Thanks for being my red-wine tonight blog world... I'm feeling a bit of an exhale and looking forward to a brighter tomorrow...
I hope.

16 comments:

  1. my dear, dear laura....i love you and will always be here for you day or night...i hope you know that. i know where you are and especially where your mom is right now...i know those feelings and i know what you are missing in your Nan's eyes. it is a very hard and emotional place to be....i just want you to know that i am here to talk to, a shoulder to cry or lean on...whatever you need. love you and praying for Nan...donna <3

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  2. I am praying tonight for peace for you, your Grandma, and your family. We have been going through this for almost 10 years with my Grandma and it is horrible. I hope for an end of suffering however that comes for both of them. HUGS my friend.

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  3. Oh Laura...I can just hear the sadness in your words and I am so, so sorry. One of the things that makes you so amazing, and who you are, is how much you love your family and your friends. I know your Nan is an important part of you and who you are so I know this must be so hard. I will also pray for peace and a better tomorrow. BIG HUGS!

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  4. I'm sorry, Laura. I can feel the love you have for your grandmother. It's never easy to lose someone- a baby, a parent, a friend, a grandparent. It sucks and I think it's even worse when you lose the person before they're gone, as in your case. I'm praying for you and for your grandmother.

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  5. Oh Laura I am so sorry your are having a difficult time right now. I hope you find some peace and can focus on some great memories you had with your Nan. And if it will make you feel better, I will a have a glass of wine just for you!! :)
    xx,
    Tina

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  6. Laura,
    I so wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you and take away some of this pain. I am crying with you and for you at the same time. I feel as though I know your Nan even though I've never met her and that is a great tribute to your love for her as well as to the kind of person that she is.
    I so completely wish for peace for your Nan, your mom, you and your family in whatever form that God says that may be. I am so sorry and know that I am always here for you.
    Much love always.

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  7. I hope that you find your clarity. It is such a heartbreaking thing to watch. I wish peace for you and your family.

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  8. Tears with you and for you Laura. Hugs, Nan xo

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  9. I'm so sorry to hear that about your Nan. As you know, my grandma is 95 and also broke her hip (Lauren and me are also her only grandchildren). Everytime I come back, I see changes in her. It's probably magnified because I live so far away but she seems to be getting slower and is definately lonely. She has been an amazing her cook and it's become more difficult for her to make the grand dinners she once took pride in.
    Be thankful for the memories you have. We are so lucky to know our grandmothers as adults! Your children will always remember her too. I hope those fun times will still make you smile.
    I'm thinking of you!
    M

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  10. Dearest Laura, you and your family are my prayers. I know the feeling of wanting to end the suffering for several loved ones. I am sending you hugs from Missouri.

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  11. Just reading your story Laura and drinking some imaginary red wine with you.

    Much love, Jess x

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  12. Yeah blogging, even thought I have only been doing it 2 days is a good release for me. although it doesnt take away the pain, it helps ease it, even if for a few moments. This will probably be good for me, I plan to get and keep a regular journal as well, i think writing will be a good outlet. and I know that if I ever get pregnant again (probably years down the road, as much as I want it immediatley) I will go to the doctor for ever ache and pain. I will never leave anything ignored, and I will probably be the most overbearing mother in this world. my child will be grounded for 18 years, haha, though that probably wont work as much as Id like for it to. Losing my son will make me love and cherish every waking moment with my future children it will make me more of a patient and loving mother I hope. and I read your post about forgotten fathers. I feel like that is how my husband is, although I know he didnt want kids to begin with, he became so excited about our son, and although when I was going into labor I dont remember that much, I remember hearing him cry like I have never heard him cry before, I know he hurt, I know he hurts. I think he is more so trying to stay strong for me, because he knows he is the only person helping me through this the most. I think when he sees me cry, is the hardest for him.
    hope your doing well =)

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  13. Laura- I am praying for your peace and clarity. My mom's mom had Alzheimers and it was very hard. I know the feeling of wanting the pain to go away.
    I love you my friend!

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  14. Dearest Laura, you and your family are my prayers. I know the feeling of wanting to end the suffering for several loved ones. I am sending you hugs from Missouri.

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear that about your Nan. As you know, my grandma is 95 and also broke her hip (Lauren and me are also her only grandchildren). Everytime I come back, I see changes in her. It's probably magnified because I live so far away but she seems to be getting slower and is definately lonely. She has been an amazing her cook and it's become more difficult for her to make the grand dinners she once took pride in.
    Be thankful for the memories you have. We are so lucky to know our grandmothers as adults! Your children will always remember her too. I hope those fun times will still make you smile.
    I'm thinking of you!
    M

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  16. Just reading your story Laura and drinking some imaginary red wine with you.

    Much love, Jess x

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