I'm Sad

I'm sad.
And since I cannot drink a glass of red wine in my current state (pregnancy- if you've been following this you knew about that- but if not... now you do...), I am doing the next best thing that usually makes me feel better...
Writing.
I'm praying this will work.
This is not about the babies that I'm missing, but it is about a grief that I am feeling and the odd thing is, it's for someone who is still alive.

Those who know me in 'real' life, know the deep connection I have with my grandparents. Perhaps it is because I (their first grandchild) was born shortly after their 27 year old son was killed suddenly in an accident (on his father's birthday) and I gave them hope. Perhaps it is because they only had two children and my brother and I were their only grandchildren so they poured themselves into our lives. Or Perhaps it is because they were/are just amazing people that I treasure. I miss the long talks and letters from my grandpa...

I never cry when I blog, but right now I can feel a sting of tears as I think of how I wish he was here- and I wonder... would things be different?

My Grandpa Jonasen passed away shortly after he moved to our town from out of state. They actually moved to the end of our street where there is an active independent living community. So close we could walk, and see them a few times a week. He moved to be closer to us, so that we could take care of his beloved, my Nana. I'm sure he sensed it then. I know he did. She was beginning to forget things.

And we've joked about it. I still can hear her laugh. (Gosh I long to hear her laugh- the kind of laugh that makes you smile.) How she can't remember things- or that she's forgetful. We could tease her about it, she would tease herself. Such fun she was!

Why am I talking about her in past tense?

On the fourth of July my Nan fell and broke her hip. I recognize that these things happen to people in their 90s, but not her. She's in amazing shape! She walked in a parade that morning and only started getting some grey hairs in her 80s. Doctors do a double-take when they compare her age with what they see before them... On her 90th birthday she even beat me in golf! (So I'm not that good- but she did squeak by me with a 52 on 9!)

She was walking down to the lake, getting a better look at the great grand-kids. My kids- who she often is seen crawling on the floor with. My kids who were playing ball in the yard at my parents'. She'd done it countless times before, walked down those stairs... but this time she wasn't paying attention. She stepped off to the side and fell.

I had no idea then how that simple step would change things.
I had no idea then how angry I would be at myself for not watching closer and being there for her.

Since that time she has had the doctors replace her hip. She is learning to use it again and the doctors tell my mom that she is doing well. She took 70 steps today!

Only she doesn't remember it.

And today she didn't remember me.

When I went to visit her she looked at me and smiled. I said, "Hi Nan, it's me Laura!" (And no- her eyes are fine, but I knew from talking with my mom earlier that she had a hard time remembering me.) My mom was there too. (She always is- and my dad and I take turns so she can have moments away.)

My Nan never said that she didn't remember me... but I could tell in her eyes that something
was different. Something was gone and I wanted to break down right there and wrap my arms around her and tell her NO! Please God NO!- Don't leave me! Don't leave us this way!

I have been so blessed by her and my Grandpa Jonasen. So much so that while we planned to name our first born son after them, we named our first LIVING son after them. The Jonasen name needed to live on- their spirit needed to live on, not only as it does in us, but in name too.

I have been so blessed to have grandparents live into their 90s on both sides of my family- and for the most part- healthy. But with that blessing, also comes this. Unlike the pain of losing a child, this is a pain that you expect. You expect to outlive your grandparents. But right now I can't seem to bear the thought of losing her like this. I can't bear the thought of her losing us before she's actually gone...

So I'm praying for a few things tonight...
A sense of calm after my tears (which happens with red wine and seems to be subsiding through my writing) and the second is an odd thing and I feel guilty writing it, but I already talked to God about it and since He knows the truth of my heart, and I spoke it aloud (in the privacy of my car), I might as well write it here.

I pray for the end of suffering.
The end of suffering for an amazing woman who is in physical pain from trying to learn to use her hip again.
The end of suffereing for an amazing woman who by just looking into her eyes you can tell is pained that she can't remember- can't recall things that she knows she should.
The end of suffering for my mom who doesn't know what to do or where to go next with the care of her mother.
And I pray for what I always do, in all my trials, for all my friends...
I pray for clarity.

Thanks for being my red-wine tonight blog world... I'm feeling a bit of an exhale and looking forward to a brighter tomorrow...
I hope.