Friday, July 31, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting


The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful blog for women who have lost children. It asks them about their experiences and then allows them to post and read about one another's experience. This is my experience- July.


How do you see/or imagine your babies now that you don't have them with you?


My sweet Andrew.

I close my eyes and I picture him at five.
I dream about what his laughter would sound like next to his twin.
I wonder if his hair would be curly and thick like his brothers' or thin and straight like his sister.
I wonder what his favorite ice cream flavor would be.

To me he is five. He has grown along with the little boy that shared a space with him for the first 39 weeks of his life. In my mind he has grown and watched us- watched us as we've dreamed about him- whispered about him- loved him- and wondered.

He's five.


Our Sweet Baby E.

Perhaps frozen in time as a baby.
Taken away from us so soon.
Too soon.
Was it only 10 weeks?
And yet I had seen that heartbeat three times- fallen so in love.

It was almost a year ago that we lost our little dream- who would be four months old now.
Are you our forever baby?
Or will you grow too? Like your angel brother?

I guess only the future will answer that.


How did the loss of your babies affect your choices/ decisions in subsequent pregnancies?
I found myself pregnant so soon.
Just 6 months after we lost Andrew.
I was so scared. So scared to lose another baby.
Andrew was so pink, so beautiful-
But that cord was so long-
And I would think of his twin- also wrapped in so much cord-
One more week?
He wouldn't have made it either?
That cord.
And so as the weeks went by I shuddered at every kick- every sommersault and I wondered about that cord.
I dreamed about it.
As the weeks went by I wanted nothing but to get her out of my body-
Safe into my arms-
Even if it meant early-
Even if it meant having her attached to machines.
I just wanted her to come home. To live with us.
To live.
I wanted her just like I wanted her brothers.
She was born at 37 weeks after an amnio determined it was safe.
Her younger brother was born the same way.
The baby I carry will do the same.
But I have changed.
The girl who was so happily pregnant with twins is no longer there.
When I carried our boys I was so happy- so carefree- the cribs set up- the clothes washed and folded in the nursury. Two cribs and the chair...
I came home changed.
One crib...
and the chair...
The night before I delivered my daughter, I called my mother. I told her where the bassinet was. I told her where the bins of baby clothes were and I told her she could wash the appropriate things IF the baby came home.
There was no planning.
No decorating.
No excitement.
I couldn't do it again.
I wasn't strong enough.
We did nothing to prepare for her.
We did nothing to prepare for her younger brother.
We will do nothing for this baby.
Except pray.
Pray for a healthy baby to live not only in our hearts, but in our home.
Thank you for coming to the Secret Garden Meeting.

12 comments:

  1. It is so sad that the joys of pregnancy have been stripped from us because of our realities. You paint a lovely picture of your sweet Andrew. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
    xx,
    Tina

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  2. Five is the prime age of a child. It is the age when he would attend kindergarten, or the same age he would have enrolled in little league.

    I feel that Andrew is in heaven doing all those things. All the great things a five year old would do, but with the blessed exception of never feeling pain.

    I believe that Baby E. has grown into a thriving, chubby, four month old baby. Baby E. is holding Andrew's hand as they play in God's garden. They are together, and they are happy.

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  3. You wanted to be happy and exicted but you're also scared and worried because you know the reality of what can go wrong. It isn't right. There should be no sorrow and crying, only joy.

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  4. I can see your Andrew and sweet Baby E so clearly from your description.

    Thank you for sharing them with us. x

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  5. So heart felt. I love that you can see them so vividly, I think it really helps. It brought tears to me that it changed you for your next pregnancy, but how could it not? Thank you for sharing~

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  6. You had the words I couldn't find to describe how I felt during my 2nd pregnancy. I wasn't excited, I didn't plan. I couldn't handle the thought of having things ready and then not having a baby to bring home to enjoy them. Thank you for sharing!

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  7. Wow, I can identify with this so much. I am 26 weeks pregnant now and still haven't done anything in prep for this baby. I hope I can do something before it comes but I suspect much of it will be left till the last minute, or after the fact.

    I'm so sorry for your losses. Thankyou for sharing.

    xx

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  8. Little E and Sweet Andrew. Four months old. Five years old. I also feel that my daughter will 'grow' alongside her twin sister. I hope you don't mind but I have linked back to your post here, it explains it so much more beautifully than I can.

    The second part of this post was so painful to read. I think that I will feel the same way, my second crib has been dismantled and put back up in the loft. Perhaps waiting for another baby, who knows? Praying for you and hoping with you. xx

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  9. If anyone is reading these comments- I've been thinking a lot about my pregnancy after losing Andrew- and I wrote about it in January- under Babies- sums it all up- but in more detail... if you're interested!
    :-)

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  10. If anyone is reading these comments- I've been thinking a lot about my pregnancy after losing Andrew- and I wrote about it in January- under Babies- sums it all up- but in more detail... if you're interested!
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. You wanted to be happy and exicted but you're also scared and worried because you know the reality of what can go wrong. It isn't right. There should be no sorrow and crying, only joy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It is so sad that the joys of pregnancy have been stripped from us because of our realities. You paint a lovely picture of your sweet Andrew. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
    xx,
    Tina

    ReplyDelete

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