Friday, July 31, 2009
The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful blog for women who have lost children. It asks them about their experiences and then allows them to post and read about one another's experience. This is my experience- July.
How do you see/or imagine your babies now that you don't have them with you?
My sweet Andrew.
I close my eyes and I picture him at five.
I dream about what his laughter would sound like next to his twin.
I wonder if his hair would be curly and thick like his brothers' or thin and straight like his sister.
I wonder what his favorite ice cream flavor would be.
To me he is five. He has grown along with the little boy that shared a space with him for the first 39 weeks of his life. In my mind he has grown and watched us- watched us as we've dreamed about him- whispered about him- loved him- and wondered.
Our Sweet Baby E.
Perhaps frozen in time as a baby.
Taken away from us so soon.
Was it only 10 weeks?
And yet I had seen that heartbeat three times- fallen so in love.
It was almost a year ago that we lost our little dream- who would be four months old now.
Are you our forever baby?
Or will you grow too? Like your angel brother?
I guess only the future will answer that.
How did the loss of your babies affect your choices/ decisions in subsequent pregnancies?
I found myself pregnant so soon.
Just 6 months after we lost Andrew.
I was so scared. So scared to lose another baby.
Andrew was so pink, so beautiful-
But that cord was so long-
And I would think of his twin- also wrapped in so much cord-
One more week?
He wouldn't have made it either?
And so as the weeks went by I shuddered at every kick- every sommersault and I wondered about that cord.
I dreamed about it.
As the weeks went by I wanted nothing but to get her out of my body-
Safe into my arms-
Even if it meant early-
Even if it meant having her attached to machines.
I just wanted her to come home. To live with us.
I wanted her just like I wanted her brothers.
She was born at 37 weeks after an amnio determined it was safe.
Her younger brother was born the same way.
The baby I carry will do the same.
But I have changed.
The girl who was so happily pregnant with twins is no longer there.
When I carried our boys I was so happy- so carefree- the cribs set up- the clothes washed and folded in the nursury. Two cribs and the chair...
I came home changed.
and the chair...
The night before I delivered my daughter, I called my mother. I told her where the bassinet was. I told her where the bins of baby clothes were and I told her she could wash the appropriate things IF the baby came home.
There was no planning.
I couldn't do it again.
I wasn't strong enough.
We did nothing to prepare for her.
We did nothing to prepare for her younger brother.
We will do nothing for this baby.
Pray for a healthy baby to live not only in our hearts, but in our home.
Thank you for coming to the Secret Garden Meeting.
Labels: The Secret Garden Meeting