This blog is so different from my other. It's my thoughts of the day- A peak into my mind- My moments where I pause, reflect, and think about life and how often my biggest challenges have brought me the most happiness. For perhaps without the pain I wouldn't truly appreciate (at least to the extent I do) the true joy of motherhood- the blessings of life- the lessons in each new day.I am always so touched to read the comments that people leave here and to see followers on this blog. I love looking into your journeys and learning from you as well. Thank you all for the wonderful support and prayers and comments you left about my Nan- and on all my posts- I have new news to report! It's a new day!
Monday night when I left her, I felt such despair. I cried and cried and wondered why? It felt as if we should have some type of reprieve from sadness! A break! And for some reason looking into the eyes of someone I know so well and those familiar eyes not recognize me was something I hadn't experienced. I wondered secretly if it would happen to me. My mind is constantly moving, talking, playing with words and phrases in my head... is this my future too? To think that one day my children could look into my eyes and I not know them- not find the words? Well there are no words for that.
But-
Tuesday's visit was a little better.
Wednesday's vist the kids were there and there was laughter.
Today felt normal and all I could do was look to the heavens and whisper- Thank you! Thank you for today- Thank you for giving her back to us today!
I know that this will be a long journey but if there is one thing that Andrew's life has taught me it's to take each day, each hour, each moment and appreciate what you have. I will live in the now- and never wish it away.
The truth is, I can't imagine my life with a living Andrew in it now. I have been writing him now for five years in his journals. I feel like he knows the deepest corners of my soul and has helped me to discover myself, to unpack the person that I am. A best friend of sorts. I feel him and I know he's safe. I know he's where he's meant to be, and that I am where I am meant to be. I don't think I would have examined my life like I have had he not been in it, and had he not left it.
I remember, perhaps it was that first year, telling my mother. You know, I don't think that other moms love their children like I love Jonasen. She smiled. Of course every mom loves their child with all their heart and all their soul. What I said came out without much reflection. I think about that statement and I know what I meant, but the words failed me and therefore didn't quite convey what I was feeling.
What I probably meant was- I don't think that other moms perhaps appreciate those little things as much as I.
A screaming baby...
A pouting child...
A sassy daughter...
I don't think I would have appreciated those things either, but this journey has helped me to reflect upon such things so very much that I've changed myself- trained myself.
When my daughter had a touch (though it felt like more than a 'touch') of colic and would cry and cry and cry and I would pace the floors with her, screaming in my ear. I would walk and rub her back and say to her out loud. "It's o.k. sweetie- you are o.k.- you are loved- I know what it's like to not have a screaming baby- I will outlast you- Your screams are a blessing to me- These screams are a blessing."
I know that as I spoke those words they were for me.
To allow me to keep my patience, to appreciate the hard times, because it is the hard times that have taught me the most.
The hard times have helped me to appreciate the new days of 'normal'.
The days that the screams aren't there.
The days that we can drive all the way home without me having to pull over because of a whining child in the back seat.
The days that she looks into my eyes and I know she remembers.
I know she loves me.
I know that she knows how I love her.
It was a new day.
Thank you for your prayers all! You are a blessing to me!
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Every parent does appreciate and love their children. But I agree that we, and those indirectly affected (like my sister) do it in a different way. So what that our baby is up all night screaming? We're just so glad to hear screams.
ReplyDeleteWhat would life be like with a living Olivia? Two identical faces looking back at me? How would we have managed two newborns? How sweet would it have been last fall sending them to preschool together and worrying about the teacher telling them apart? Yet, it always comes back to this: How could I be without my sweet Ellie, born less than a year after the girls were born? It's sometimes too much to contemplate.
It's irrational, but I get jealous of moms I see with 4 kids. I have 4, but they only see 3. And, of course, if things had worked out I would only have three, Annie and Jo and Olivia. (Though considering how we ended up with Ellie, we might have had 4 anyway, just maybe not her!) So confusing!
Im glad that you have your daughter =) I know too, that when or if I have another child, that I will appreciate all of the things, other mothers go crazy over.
ReplyDeleteLosing Jordan, I feel, is preparing me to be a better mother in the future, and a more patient one at that.
because after losing a child,
the screaming, and temper tantrums will be great.
I can understand this completely. I feel that losing Lia will help me to appreciate motherhood that much more. I know that when I hear my friend "complain" about not having time to do anything or being up at night with the kids, all I want to say to them is, "Please don't complain, you are so lucky, I would do anything to be in that position right now."
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that hear that your nan is doing better and that she is back with you. I hope and pray that she will have more good days in the future.
ReplyDeleteI loved what you have written about Andrew here. Such a beautiful description.
I think that losing Georgina has changed me beyond all recognition. I am certain that I am a different kind of mother because of meeting her and losing her. I don't think that I could love Jessica more because I lost her sister but I hope that I do appreciate the little things a bit more. I feel that you have articulated the change that I feel within myself perfectly here. When she cries or has a difficult day, I know how lucky I am. To be able to hear her cry.
You are right about the true appreciation we have of our children, family & friends... each moment we have is a blessing. At night when I pray, I always thank god for giving me another day with this baby growing inside of me.... when you a lose a child, the little things in life no longer matter - hugs.
ReplyDeleteah yes, the hard times teach us the most. Unfortunately it usually takes us a while to get some sort of "appreciation" of the hard times. I am often hesitant to tell people the good that has come from loosing the twins as I think they might think I am insensitive but it is not that at all, I am just choosing to see the good because I have to, I would go crazy if I didn't!
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are always able to find hope and happiness in a "new day" is always an inspiration to the rest of us my dear Laura. Thanks for more :)
ReplyDeleteI can understand this completely. I feel that losing Lia will help me to appreciate motherhood that much more. I know that when I hear my friend "complain" about not having time to do anything or being up at night with the kids, all I want to say to them is, "Please don't complain, you are so lucky, I would do anything to be in that position right now."
ReplyDelete