Thursday, July 16, 2009

Perhaps... The CRAZY Me...

I remember those early days-
Though perhaps they weren't so early-
The days I went crazy-
Or at least I thought I was...

I remember shopping for a new jacket. I hadn't yet lost all of my pregnancy weight and needed something bigger. I was nursing, but at the time had a few hours between feedings so was able to escape to the mall.

It was so odd. Going out alone. Without my son. I remember finding a jacket and bringing it to the nice unsuspecting cashier. I remember making small talk with her.
"I needed to buy a new jacket because I had just had twins a few months ago six pounds and six pounds eleven ounces... and the weight wasn't coming off as quickly as I'd hoped."
"Oh how wonderful, what did you have?"
"I had two boys. But one DIED!"

I remember the look on her face.
She needed to escape.
She was at a loss for words.
And yet I left her in her discomfort.
I didn't break the silence.
It felt oddly comforting to share my sorrow with this complete unknowing stranger.

She said how sorry she was. I thanked her and took my purchase and went to my car.

I remember sitting in my car feeling horrible. I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I had to make that poor woman feel so badly albeit just for a moment- but I did. I should have gone in- apologized... but I didn't. I was crazy and I knew it.

The sad thing was, I did it again, and again.

Returning shower gifts-
I couldn't wait for them to ask me why I was returning something.
So I could tell them-
See that look on their face-
Shock-
Horror-
MY BABY DIED!

And again after I would feel so badly. I knew something was wrong with me. This couldn't be normal- and I knew that I couldn't keep doing this. It wasn't right. It wasn't ME!

I saw a counselor.

I told her my story.
I told her how I was going 'crazy'-
That I kept imposing my pain on others-
That it felt good to see them squirm, search for the right thing- anything- to say- to get out of that uncomfortable moment I had drawn them into.

Telling my story I could see their faces- how they wanted to run- get out of it- get away from me and the moment I had put them in- but they couldn't.

She gave me some advice that I still share. It made sense to me.

She said that having a baby was a lot of work. Your body goes through changes- Your hormones go through changes- You give up your body- You share it. It's work- It's tough.

She said that though people don't say it, they know that you 'did that'- that you went through a lot to get to that moment. To have that little baby you push in the stroller. While they don't always say it, seeing you as 'a mom'- well... they know.

Perhaps that is where you are stuck. Perhaps you went through all this work, carrying two, loving two and perhaps you want the world to see it. People see you as a new mom but they don't see the true picture- the real picture- the picture that YOU see. Perhaps that is why you feel the need to tell them.

Perhaps she was right.

I think that she was right.

That was the last time I saw her, but she taught me something about myself. Something that I needed to understand- that I needed to hear from someone else. A stranger. Her.

What I had done was WORK- Yes it was physical- but more importantly what I went through emotionally was even more WORK- To hear her say that- Her acknowledgement- Her words, in the way she did- That was enough.

Perhaps I didn't need to tell everyone.
At least not in the shocking way I was.

Perhaps I could share him differently.
Perhaps I could let them off the hook.
Rescue them from me.
Perhaps I learned something from that counselor.
Perhaps.

That session was worth every penny. It saved many people from the 'crazy' me. It saved ME from the crazy ME.

Perhaps you have had moments?
Moments of crazy too?
Perhaps?

12 comments:

  1. What courage it must have taken for you to share this post. I love what the counselor said to you. It totally makes sense. I too want everyone to know that I am a moomy to twins. My girls may not be here, but I carried them and love them and wish they were with me every second of the day. Thank you for sharing this.
    xx,
    Tina

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  2. What an amazing post Laura. So unbelievably true. It makes me smile a little that this was the moment that I met you and to know what an unbelievable journey you have been on since then. I love that the "not crazy" you is still able to share Andrew with the world - just in different ways now. The part about the world seeing you differently then how you feel really hits home for me. I still wish when I walked around that people would look at me and *see* that I had babies - more then two - and close together. Instead they see two, far apart in age. I'm not "that mom" that has a whole gaggle of little girls with her - but that's the mom I feel like, and the mom I wanted to be. Just another part of the loss that is so invisible to people but so much a part of who we are. Love you!

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  3. Oh my, this is me. I want to tell everyone about my baby and what happened. If I could put it on a t-shirt I would. And, most of the time when I share my story, I feel regret it. I don't get the response I wanted.
    When I was at the OB the other day, I wanted to stand up in the waiting room and tell all the pregnant women that I was there too. That I was happy and had a baby in my belly too. And, then it all went away. Instead, I just sat there wiping the tears from my eyes.
    Yesterday, I told my teaching assistant (she's a high school student) about my dead baby. Afterwards, I felt so bad for unloading that onto her 17 year old kid.
    And, then there was the time I ran into an old coworker of mine and she asked what I'd been up to. I told her I had a baby and before I could get out the rest, she started jumping up and down and congratulating me. I've had to rework how I tell my story.

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  4. ahhh....Laura- I will never forget the first time you told me this story. It wasn't long after loosing the twins, I was struggling with the fact that I had just become a mom and no one knew it. What a struggle, I still struggle when people ask me how many kids I have, do I say it or sometimes I just say "2 living children" I love you friend!

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  5. Oh Laura. Me too. This post is so beautifully written. I carried two, loved (and love) two as well. And there is this strange need to tell everyone.
    I very rarely actually do. I don't often mention that J was(is) a twin. I don't know what to say when people ask me if she is my first. I usually just smile and say yes. Even though she was the younger twin and G is actually my first child.
    Bree - I had that awful moment in a waiting room, crying. I just wanted to scream at all those pregnant women to be careful, to appreciate every minute because you never know when that happiness, that expectancy will be ripped away from you. I wanted to tell them to appreciate every single minute with their little ones, in their bellies or in their arms. xx

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing this post. Beautiful. I too have gone through this desire to tell the world about Zoelle. I want everyone to know that I am a mom, and I did the work...and she is gone. Thank you so much for sharing. hugs to you!

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  7. Laura, I love reading your posts. It is like my own little therapy session! You words help me understand what I am feeling. It urks me to no end that people see me with a single child. The comments about Anna being a only child leave me wanting to tell them about my 4 angels. Each and every pregnancy is work, no matter how long or short! I can't wait for the day when I meet my babies in heaven! Until that day, I hug Anna closer each night and thank God for blessing my life with her. Thanks for sharing. - Lori

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  8. As usual enjoyed reading it! I always felt odd sharing my story with strangers, I remember after losing them I went to the scrap store to buy sme stuff to make a picture collage, and the lady asked what it was for and I said for my twin daughters, she smiled and was so happy and congratulated me and asked me how old they were, and I just filled in with how old they would have been. I left the store with her thinking here I was this woman with this great little life, and mother of twin girls who in fact were alive, she had no idea.... At times I jsut wished I could wear a sign that announced the truth to the world... "be nice to me, my daughters died"

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  9. I think we all go through a stage in our grief where we want the world to feel the hurt that we feel. I felt I had SO much grief, by telling and shocking people I unloaded it a little bit- not the most healthy way to deal with it I guess. But I also wanted to trip any happy person I saw.

    Yes, I got into therapy.

    I wear a mother's necklace when I go out. it has my 2 boys and my angel girl. I can tell by the look on peoples faces that they don't know what to say.

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  10. As usual enjoyed reading it! I always felt odd sharing my story with strangers, I remember after losing them I went to the scrap store to buy sme stuff to make a picture collage, and the lady asked what it was for and I said for my twin daughters, she smiled and was so happy and congratulated me and asked me how old they were, and I just filled in with how old they would have been. I left the store with her thinking here I was this woman with this great little life, and mother of twin girls who in fact were alive, she had no idea.... At times I jsut wished I could wear a sign that announced the truth to the world... "be nice to me, my daughters died"

    ReplyDelete
  11. Laura, I love reading your posts. It is like my own little therapy session! You words help me understand what I am feeling. It urks me to no end that people see me with a single child. The comments about Anna being a only child leave me wanting to tell them about my 4 angels. Each and every pregnancy is work, no matter how long or short! I can't wait for the day when I meet my babies in heaven! Until that day, I hug Anna closer each night and thank God for blessing my life with her. Thanks for sharing. - Lori

    ReplyDelete
  12. What courage it must have taken for you to share this post. I love what the counselor said to you. It totally makes sense. I too want everyone to know that I am a moomy to twins. My girls may not be here, but I carried them and love them and wish they were with me every second of the day. Thank you for sharing this.
    xx,
    Tina

    ReplyDelete

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